You're only as sick as your secrets.

Crayola Friends

2011-02-13T19:53:00.001-08:00

In light of the new year, and often before that, I've been thinking a lot about the different types of friendships I have in my life. I've become more aware of who is a true friend. About 2 years ago, I had this conversation with a very old (not old in age) and wise friend of mine, and we determined that our friendships can be compared to crayons.

There are all different colors and variations, but they all end up making the box complete. Lately, I've realized there are a few color friendships in my life, that aren't necessarily the right ones for me. Not that I want to trade them for other colors, I just need to discontinue those colors.

I try really hard to be a nice person, and a good friend to those around me. I always try to put others first, and I always taken in to consideration how my thoughts, words and actions affect those around me. I have different kinds of friendships, friends from work, friends from work who have become more than just in the "work friend" category, and that I can count on when I need someone to talk too. Old friends, new friends, Mom Friends, my walking buddy, my volunteering friends, my cohorts, friends I go to for parenting and relationship advice, or just to complain to each other! and so many others. What I realize, is that I have apparently been trying to hard to "prove" my friendships, and be there for others, and I've noticed that some of these don't do the same for me. I realize that some people have been pretending to be my friend, or even just an acquaintance, but yet criticize me behind my back, and talk about things they really have no knowledge of. I've decided, that I will no longer give those people the time of day. I am cutting the ties to that negative energy, and if they still feel the need to judge because of my lifestyle, or my economic status, then so be it. I feel sorry for those people that feel the need to belittle others to feel better about themselves. I am happy with the person I am, the person I'm becoming, and the life I live. I may not have all the things some consider necessary to classify being a good person, or worth their time, but I have what makes me happy and that's all that matters.

Friendship isn't about what you own, or what you can buy. It's about being there for others when they don't need you, and even more when you do. It's about being able to laugh together, and being able to be yourself, and not have to hide your true colors. It's about appreciating the people in your life, for what they bring to your life, and how they enrich it. It's about knowing that your friends will be there at 3 am when your feeling sad and lonely. It's about being able to call somebody last minute because you're in a pinch and need somebody to watch your kids, and they do it second nature without even thinking about it. Friendship is so much more than social class. It's hard for me to understand why some people feel that need to categorize people in that way. Sometimes the best friends you can have are the ones in low places like me....

DC WHAT!?

2011-02-13T19:51:00.001-08:00

I want to write this, while the memory is still fresh in my brain, and before the overwhelming reality of life sets back in to my everyday routines. I just returned home from my trip to Washington DC to attend the National Head Start Leadership Institute. I was selected as 1 of 5 parents to attend the conference. It was quite possibly the most amazing week of my life. 5 days of learning, understanding more early learning issues, and advocating for children not only in my state, but those across the nation. I met Senator Patty Murray, Senator Maria Cantwell, and got to help them understand a little bit better how cuts that our government is trying to make to our state and federal budgets, will affect so many families. My fellow PA's and I, helped put a face to those services that are on the chopping block.

One friend was a teenage mom, who had no idea how to manage a checkbook, a household and a baby at the age of 16 while trying to finish school. With the help of the Early Head Start program, she finished high school, got her AA and is now working on her BA. She is a small business owner, and the proud mom of 4 kids!

Another was a recovering addict who spent over 20 years in and out of incarceration. He has now turned his life around, is a single dad and has helped start a Dad's group in his local town. He just recently became a homeowner. These are just a few of his accomplishments.

There were 3 more stories from my fellow PA's, that tugged at your heart strings, but I would be here all day trying to recap it all. I got to tell the story of how Head Start helped diagnose Lauryn with hearing loss that was fixable, and not just a speech impediment. And how she no longer needs any special services because of the help and resources she had access to as a Head Start student.

In our state, the Governor just proposed to cut the Working Connections Childcare Program. This will affect thousands of children and families in our state. We got the chance to let them know, that by reducing these subsidies, it will have an adverse effect on our economy. Those working poor in our state, will be turned in to unemployed workers and forced to draw from other state resources such as unemployment, TANF, Food Stamps and Medical. It doesn't make sense to not be PREVENTATIVE. Helping our lawmakers understand that we are REAL faces and not just numbers, was what we were there for.

I truly believe that our voices were heard in every office we visited.

Not only did we visit Capital Hill, we gave a presentation and helped facilitate another one on Advocacy, and getting parents involved in early learning issues. The more people that are aware that from birth to 3 is the most important part of a child's life, and what they can do to make those years the best, the better our future generations will be set up for success. I could go on and on. But I won't. I just want to share the video of my telling my story about Lauryn. It is emotional. Yes, I cried. Because if it weren't for this program, I don't know that my daughter would be the child she is today. A loud, boistourous, talkative, SMART girl who started kindergarten ahead of the curve, because of the comprehensive services and amazing preschool experience she had through Head Start.

Some of my friends don't agree with these issues because of Political belief, some of ignorance, and some of just plain disagreeing. But I think anyone who listens to any of these stories will agree that to not support this program and other early learning programs like it, is just plain stupid. Children should be our priority, not just an afterthought.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=12fED-dyCDY

A Year In Parent Ambassadors.

2011-02-13T19:49:00.001-08:00

WOW! How far I’ve come. One year ago I was submitting an application and applying to be a “Parent Ambassador”. Today, I’m flying home from sharing the information I’ve gained with a group of parents on the other side of the country. I’m so thankful that Joel Ryan, Lori Pittman, and Katy Warren picked me as one of the PA’s for 2010!

I never knew being accepted in to this program would be so life changing. In one year, I’ve gone from being a behind the scenes, quiet observer to an advocate for myself, my family, and children and families all over the NATION! I’ve traveled across the United States twice to advocate for children and early learning. Once attending our nation’s capital and speaking to state representatives and department heads of office. Secondly, giving a presentation on HOW to advocate for yourself and your children.

I’ve done a lot this year. My first call to action was almost one year ago exactly. With little training on what I needed to do, I testified at the state level on the effects of cutting the Working Connections Childcare program, and against cutting 3 year old preschool in our state. I was terrified. Shaky and feeling like my heart was going to jump out of my chest, I did it. And I didn’t sound near as bad as I did in my own head after listening to it a few days later. That day was an ice breaker for me. I never knew I could have such a voice on important issues such as these. Now I’m teaching others how to find their own voices, and am actually looking forward to going back and testifying this year. These issues have become a part of me. Of who I am and the person I’ve become.

I’ve been interviewed by the newspaper. I was interviewed by King 5, on the same day as my dear friends memorial service. I had swollen red eyes from crying, and I looked like a train ran me over, but it was my only chance for them to fit me in to their schedule. So again, I gave my story on what would happen with such tremendous budget cuts in our state. I created a YouTube video , that we sent straight to the Governor’s office asking her not to take these actions. The video went viral and now has over 500 views. Not half bad for just a message from the heart. I traveled to Washington D.C. to tell the amazing story of how Head Start helped my daughter to hear. I brought tears to people’s eyes with the message. I helped run a training for parents while in DC, on how to tell their stories. I recorded over 10 stories to send to Congress.

I now sit on many amazing committees to give a parent voice to decisions being made all over our state. I’m on my counties Early Learning Committee, I am on the WaKids Kindergarten Readiness committee, that helped develop the program that is now being tested all over our state, and will report back in January to the legislature on how it has worked. It’s actually being tested in my own child’s Kindergarten class. I’m on the Head Start/ECEAP advisory committee. I’ve been invited to speak later this week to a group of parents who are interested in learning more about how they can make a difference.

I found the courage to run and be elected to be the president of my children’s elementary school PTO. I NEVER would have thought I would be where I am today. At this moment, I’m flying home from the East Coast, reflecting on the fact that I just presented a wealth of information to 25 other parents for 2 days. If only one of these parents takes the information and shares it or does something with it, I will have accomplished what I set out to do. (Since returning home, already two of the parents I trained this week have written letters to the editor and been published!)

The Parent Ambassador program has taught me a lot about politics, about legislation, about current issues and affairs, about how to be involved in gov’t and other local communities. It has taught me about friendships and provided me with some really great mentors. But most of all, it has helped me find myself, helped to find the passion inside of me that I always knew was there, but didn’t know how to use it. Because of my advocacy and involvement with Early Learning, I was offered a better paying job that I’ve now begun to make my career. I’m over halfway done with my Child Development Associate. Because of that and getting married and my husband getting a raise, our family is now self sufficient. We no longer receive Public Assistance of any kind. With 5 kids, that’s quite an accomplishment! I can honestly say that even with all the trials and tribulations I’ve had this year; it has been one of the best years of my life.

Parent Ambassadors isn’t just a year-long advocacy training. It’s become a life changing, life-long part of me. I will never forget everything I’ve learned from the wonderful people who have mentored me this year, or the wonderful friendships I have made.

I’m sad my year of PA has come to an end. But even more excited to take the things I’ve learned and continue going onward and upward in advocating for children and families, and to passing along the torch of information to other parents to do the same!

I am a Parent Ambassador.

2010-08-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

I'm so excited, I just can't hide it.. Sounds like a horrible cliche, or the lyrics to an 80's song, but I really am! Earlier this week I found out I was selected as one of five parents going to Washington D.C. to represent parents all across the nation. For the last year, I have been involved in the WSA Parent Ambassador program. It's a new program, only in it's second year. This group is the first in the nation, and has been so successful, that Head Start and ECEAP programs around the nation want to model it. Many people ask me "what is the Parent Ambassador program, or what do you do?" If you've paid attention to my FaceBook or emails over the last year, I've been involved in a lot of different advocacy issues and been active on educating myself and others around issues that concern me. The Parent Ambassador program has given me the tools I need to advocate for myself, my children and other people's children. YOUR CHILDREN!

Through this program I've become more knowledgeable about early learning, voter education and registration, just to name a few things. I've become a part of an Early Learning Coalition in Grays Harbor, that is responsible for trying to make a better community of Early Learning between daycares, preschools and schools. I've served on many committees through this program. I was a part of a committee that created a program called WaKids, a kindergarten assessment program or 'tool' to be used Statewide for Public Elementary's. This program is in it's pilot year, and my daughter's school is participating! I can't wait to see the results, and present them to the Governor.

I'm also serving on a committee for the Washington State Child Support Division as a parent voice on the regulations or changes that will be made to the system. My voice will be heard here, and I'm really looking forward to it. I'm serving on a committee for Head Start and ECEAP collaborations, to make the programs more in sync. I've had a great experience with this committee and am excited for the future of it. I feel valued as a parent, and the people in charge of all these committees actually make me feel like my opinion is valuable to all of these programs. I take my experiences, and those of my friends, families, co workers, and school community to all of these committees and help to make important decisions.

Earlier in the year, when the Governor was working on the budget and trying to make cuts to vital programs that affect not only myself but those around me, I was asked to testify to our State Legislators about how cutting these programs would affect a person like me. I testified in front of about 20 Legislators and I was scared to DEATH. But I did. With the support of the PA program, I stood up and told my story. It was a very SHORT story to meet the cut off of one minute because of the vast amount of people that wanted to share. But afterwards, the champion Representative of Early Learning came up to me and wanted to know more about what I knew, and how I would be affected, and how I thought cuts to these programs (mostly childcare subsidies) would affect people of Washington State served through these programs. I felt honored. I NEVER would have done it if it weren't for getting involved in this program.

I rallied at the capital for Washington Kids, and met with 6 senators in one day. I left copies of a story about my daughter with them, attached with a picture, and how some of Washington's programs changed my daughters life. I was contacted later thanking me for sharing my story. That's not something that happens to most people on a daily basis.

I've served on a couple of other committees, and groups and been involved in a lot of other things. Those above are just a few. On a daily basis I engage in conversations with people educating them on these issues and how they can be involved. Your voice can make a difference. Your actions can. Early Learning shapes our future, and it's important that people understand. I have found a passion that I never knew existed, and I love sharing the fire inside me now.

As part of the Parent Ambassador program, we had the chance to apply to go to Washington D.C. to a National Conference. We will be able to see the Federal level of laws being made, participate in the conference as the only 5 people there as parents. It's a pretty big honor to have been selected to participate at this level. There are no words to describe just how happy I am. All of my hard work in advocacy has paid off in so many ways, and this is right up there in the top two!

I just can't believe in a little over a month, I will be there representing parents all over the nation.. Such an honor, and I am so blessed to be a part of it!!

eh..

2010-06-03T14:24:00.001-07:00

I have this huge blog I've been preparing in my head for the last 4 days. And right now, I'm just too depressed to sit and write it..
So I'm just blah..blah, blah and more blah. I wish I could be happy. I wish the sun would come back and stay. I'm pretty sure that would help...
BLAH!

powerless

2010-04-09T09:06:00.000-07:00

D,F,F,B,B
No, it's not a musical pattern, a pattern of any sort actually. It's my step son's grades. I'll give you two guesses what the B's are in. PE and Music. Yep. The real important subjects, ya know? I'm so frustrated. Frustrated with the whole solution that is being offered to solve this problem. HOME SCHOOL. Not that I have anything against home schooling. I think it's a wonderful thing, and can be a great thing for some people and their families. I don't think it's the solution to this problem. He has been struggling since entering public school almost 3 years ago. Before, in his elementary days, he attended a public school in Eugene, but it was called Family School, and had a more alternative way of schooling. It seemed to work for him, but honestly, I've thought since they went there, that it was not doing him any good. It didn't help him the way a school is supposed to. Didn't challenge him, and some of his struggles were not identified or worked with at the time. I knew it was only a matter of time before the system caught up with him and he would struggle even more. He had horrible attendance, and his grades suffered from not turning in his homework. The teachers changed his schedule around to try and help him remember his homework. He was given checklists, and all other different kinds of things to try and keep him on track. I voiced my opinions, but like most subjects when it comes to my 'step' children, my voice was ignored. Eventually, he was labeled with ADD, but not put on medication. Apparently, he's supposed to take Fish Oil, because his mom is against medicating him. He's been to my house once since that time more than (2 years ago) WITH his Fish Oil. So I ASSUME it's not something he takes on a regular basis.
Enter them moving, and attending a 'regular' public school. Since then, he has struggled with reading, math, and science. The mother blamed his struggles on the teachers, the principal, and everyone who dealt with him, and says they don't know how to handle working with kids with ADD. The thing that frustrates me most I think, is that she never calls Josh to tell him about his struggles until it's time for a conference with a teacher, or she's argued with them so much, she needs him to back her up. He's always been one for saying what's on his mind, and he doesn't take crap from the school when it comes to his kids. He's always in Z's corner. The thing is, he doesn't get the chance to be. So two days ago. He gets a phonecall from the mom, crying, because she doesn't know what to do. She has a conference with the teacher from one class and the principal over the phone, and wants Josh to be in on it. She has convinced Josh that the teacher is out to get Zaine, is targeting him, not helping him, and failing him because she doesn't understand him. Josh calls me. Instantly, I'm frustrated because I've known all along that this was coming, and it's really too bad that it's come SO late in the year. It's obviously been an ongoing thing. Thing is, the kid does great in class. And when he actually DOES his homework, the grades are excellent. He's just not following through. So I get on Facebook, and the mom has posted "Z and I have decided to homeschool". WHAT THE HELL! Z and her? What about talking with Josh about it, shouldn't it be decided amongst the parents what happens? Not the mother and son, with leaving dad out to dry? Of course it should. Of course it HAS to be. Their divorce papers say so. 50% decision making when it comes to education, religion and medical. Yep, that's right. It's documented. But 'SHE'S decided to homeschool? Again, just another one of my frustrations. So I spent almost all of yesterday worried about this kid. About the decisions his parents are going to make about his education and how they are going to help him. I don't think HOMESCHOOL is the answer. If the reason he's failing is because he's not turning in his HOME work, do you think it's the school that is the problem? I sure don't. Sure, I know how the public education process works, and a lot of kids labeled with ADD and ADHD don't get the help they need, or as much of it as they should. But I don't blame the school for his failure. If he's not remembering to do his homework, and not turning in his assignments, shouldn't there be someone else who is just as responsible for helping him remember? Yes, that's right, I said it. His custodial parent, SHOULD be making sure he's not forgetting his backpack in the morning, making sure his homework is DONE before he's allowed computer time, DSi time, Wii time, or Lego time. But maybe that's just me. Although, I don't think I'm wrong in feeling this way.
Josh has always had reservations about her parenting. We've had constant arguments with her, about the way she does things. He tries not to interfere, but when it gets bad, he always eventually stands up to her and tells her what she's doing wrong. We've had neglect issues, we've had hygiene issues, we've had school issues, we've had doctor issues, you name it, we've dealt with it. And all of a sudden he agrees with her that home schooling is a good idea. Sure, I think it's a great idea, if it was somebody ELSE doing it. This kid does not respect his mother, does not listen to her, does what he wants, and NOW you think it's a good idea that she homeschool him. And then.. she says she's going to 'de-school' him. Which, in reading an article, says that for every year your child has spent in a formal education system, they should get a month of time to heal from that. So in essence, this kid will have 7 months to do whatever he wants not school related. Does that sound like a solution to this problem? I sure don't think so. And I don't think it's going to help him any. I think the reasons for not doing his work need to be figured out. I know him, and I know that even if he doesn't understand what he's supposed to do, he won't ask for help. He feels ashamed or shy that he can't do something. He doesn't have the tools, or the courage to ask when something is wrong. I've seen it in so many other aspects of his life. I feel sometimes, as I know this kid better then his own parents. Maybe that sounds concieted, but I don't think so. I'm just being honest. I've been able to reach out to him many times, when his parents couldn't. We have a special bond, the two of us. So even though he won't say it, I know he's scared, not understanding, and not knowing how to cope with the issues at hand. Is he not doing his homework because he's afraid to ask for help? Because he doesn't understand it and feels like he should. Because he's scared to not KNOW something. I think so. I think that's part of the problem. It's always easier to not do something because you don't know how, then to ask for help, right?
I suggested that he come stay with us, and attend school here for a while, to see if it can make a difference. If only till the end of the year. I think his dad should have the option to be able to help him. Not only should his father be able to have a chance at being proactive, but our school here, K-8 is 300 kids. He's in a school 6-8 with 603 kids.. Do you see the possibility of him getting more help here? I sure do.
I just don't see how the solutions they are offering are going to help him. Only hinder him more.. I'm so scared, worried, anxious, and empathetic for him, and there's nothing I can do. I have no power. I'm powerless over this situation, yet it will also affect my life. How is that fair? It's not. Yet there's nothing I can do about it....

Two is a couple, three is a crowd?

2010-04-03T22:55:00.000-07:00

The last week, my oldest daughter was visiting relatives on her dad's side of the family for her spring break. It might possibly have been the longest week of my life, and also the quietest! I didn't realize how much our family dynamics are different without that one child. She has never been away from me for more than 2 days.. This week without her, really put things in to perspective.
She definitely is my loudest child. Not just in the volume of her voice, but she talks the most, is the most opinionated, the most bossy, and the most controlling. Without her in the mix this week, L & L got along quite nicely. There wasn't much argument over anything. There was no tattling..It was a very laid back week. Enter A's arrival home today, and it was almost constant chaos! I always have thought that my life might be a bit simpler if she wasn't such an emotionally demanding child. It's so funny to think about how your children can be so different, raised in the same environment. Obviously, her gene pool is a little different, and that's not her fault, but WOW. As much as I couldn't wait for her to get home, I am missing the peace and quiet and the CALM that was around here.
It's funny, because I went on a double date with a friend of mine and her daughter. Originally, it was supposed to be A and I, and the other couple. But our plans changed, so I brought L along instead. If it had been A and I on this date, I wouldn't have probably gotten a word in edgewise. But with L, I had to do most of the talking. With A around, there is never a dull moment, or a lack in conversation.. She brings so much color to our lives.
She's the most outspoken, the most dramatic, the most outgoing, and the most opinionated little girl beyond her years, and as much as I appreciate the little mini vacation I had from her, I am so glad she's back home where she belongs. I just need to remind myself how much I missed that voice, that love, and ALL of that emotion while she was away, when she has me about ready to pull my hair out. Which in the short amount of time she has been home, has happened quite a few times...
Kids, gotta love them right!? =)

blah

2010-04-02T19:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what's wrong with me. I do and I don't, and what I do know I'm not sure how to fix, but I am. Do those two sentences make sense?
I've been feeling really down lately. Not complete. Missing something, not sure how to find it, because I really don't even know what it is.
I've been unhappy. I've been happy. I'm so up and down it's starting to make me feel a little bit insane. Crazy isn't even the word to describe it..
And my world just got a little bit crazier, so I guess I'll have to blog later...

Crayola Friends

2010-01-09T00:18:00.000-08:00

There are all different colors and variations, but they all end up making the box complete. Lately, I've realized there are a few color friendships in my life, that aren't necessarily the right ones for me. Not that I want to trade them for other colors, I just need to discontinue those colors.

I try really hard to be a nice person, and a good friend to those around me. I always try to put others first, and I always taken in to consideration how my thoughts, words and actions affect those around me. I have different kinds of friendships, friends from work, friends from work who have become more than just in the "work friend" category, and that I can count on when I need someone to talk too. Old friends, new friends, Mom Friends, my walking buddy, my volunteering friends, my cohorts, friends I go to for parenting and relationship advice, or just to complain to each other! and so many others. What I realize, is that I have apparently been trying to hard to "prove" my friendships, and be there for others, and I've noticed that some of these don't do the same for me. I realize that some people have been pretending to be my friend, or even just an acquaintance, but yet criticize me behind my back, and talk about things they really have no knowledge of. I've decided, that I will no longer give those people the time of day. I am cutting the ties to that negative energy, and if they still feel the need to judge because of my lifestyle, or my economic status, then so be it. I feel sorry for those people that feel the need to belittle others to feel better about themselves. I am happy with the person I am, the person I'm becoming, and the life I live. I may not have all the things some consider necessary to classify being a good person, or worth their time, but I have what makes me happy and that's all that matters.

Friendship isn't about what you own, or what you can buy. It's about being there for others when they don't need you, and even more when you do. It's about being able to laugh together, and being able to be yourself, and not have to hide your true colors. It's about appreciating the people in your life, for what they bring to your life, and how they enrich it. It's about knowing that your friends will be there at 3 am when your feeling sad and lonely. It's about being able to call somebody last minute because you're in a pinch and need somebody to watch your kids, and they do it second nature without even thinking about it. Friendship is so much more than social class. It's hard for me to understand why some people feel that need to categorize people in that way. Sometimes the best friends you can have are the ones in low places like me....

More Money, More Money!

2010-01-01T17:50:00.000-08:00

Sitting at the coffee shop window with my 8 year old, I rummaged through my purse trying to find the correct amount for my latte. I didn't have as much cash on me as I thought, and I didn't want to use the debit card. Mostly talking to myself, I said "Dang, I thought I had more cash than that." The daughter in the back seat piped up and said, "Josh gave you $200 yesterday mom, what did you do with it?"! I replied, in my mom tone, that it was for bills. I told her I needed it for such things like the light bill, and the water, and the phone. She said, "Why don't you just not pay it mom? Then we'd have more money!" What an amazing idea Ashley, yes, I'll get right on that! She says "I think you should just not pay the light bill and the water bill. But keep the phone, yes, we need the phone!"
I then went in to detail about how if we didn't have electricity, we still wouldn't be able to use the phone because it has to be plugged in to charge, and to connect. Then she said "oh yes mom, we need the electricity then. How about the water. Yep, turn off the water, then we'll have more money!" I asked her if she would rather have the water off so she didn't have to take a bath! She gave me that look, like "duh mom"..
And then she said, "Ok, I see you have to pay the bills. How ELSE can we get more money?"
Can you tell what is always on her little mind?

Out of the Mouths of Babes

2009-12-03T15:09:00.000-08:00

Usually car rides get pretty hectic in the morning when my kids are involved. There's usually a bit of yelling, a bit of whining, and a bit of screaming (mostly from the toddler who doesn't like his sisters to touch him in the car, which of course they insist on doing)..

Our mornings are most of the time chaotic, and it's something I'm going to focus on in the new year..

Anyway, this morning WASN'T one of those mornings. I took the day off to deal with some personal issues, so even though I had somewhere to be, it wasn't rushing to be out the door by 7:15. I took Ashley to school, and stopped and got my coffee. Lauryn, Logan and I hopped on the freeway and were driving to daycare. This morning, the Moon was still visible. Lauryn was actually enjoying the scenery outside of the car, taking in all the frost or as she liked to call it "snow" on the grass in the fields, and admiring the chilly effects in the air. Logan really likes the moon, so he spent the drive saying "Moon, Mommy, Moon!" and Lauryn replied, " I don't know why the moon is still up mommy, he should be sleeping, he's probably tired" I asked her why she thought the moon was tired, and she said "Because he was up all night mom!" ..

And then there's Ashley. My other brilliant child. I had to pick her up from school today, because she was supposed to have a counseling appointment. This morning the counselors' office called and cancelled the appointment. So since I was home, I chose to still pick her up and spend some one on one time with her. Her homework assignment for the counselor, was to come up with one word of emotion, for every letter of the alphabet. So last night, I helped her finish it up, she had already come up with all the words, so I helped her make a little book of emotions. I used some card stock, and a letter sticker for each letter, then we wrote the word, and hole punched the side, and tied it all together. It turned out really cute for only spending last night on it! Today, she took it to school so she would have it when I picked her up today to take with her to her appointment. She got to share it in her classroom, and was quite proud of it. One of the words she used was "O is for Optimistic". Each word she used, she had to know the definition of. So along with just knowing the word, I made her know what it meant. I had given her some help with the definition last night, giving her some examples. Well, today, one of the para's had asked her what it meant. She told her that she didn't really know and she had kind of forgot. So she said the para helped her by explaining the difference between Optimistic and Pessimistic. The para told her that Optimistic was when you are happy all the time, and Pessimistic when you say things like "i can't" all the time. So Ashley is telling me this story on the way home, and she says "Mom, which do you think I am? Optimistic, or Pestimistic?" I had to laugh out loud and she says "WHAT MOM?!, Which one do you think I am!?" I told her that I thought most of the time she is Optimistic, but sometimes she can be Pessimistic, and her sister probably thinks she PesTimistic.....

It's that time again.

2009-11-21T23:54:00.000-08:00

I've been feeling this overwhelming anxiety lately. There are so many things I've attributed it to. The lack of money for the holidays, my suck ass job, my court stuff, Ashley's worthless father and all the crap emotion he brings to my life, things that I just can't stop worrying about or thinking about. That's me. I worry. I have anxiety. But lately, it seems to be more. And it's because it's that time again.

It seems like I'm beating the drum to death. And I try, I REALLY try not to think about it. But every year it's there. No matter the counseling, no matter how much I have "let it go", no matter how much I've forgiven. I can't forget. And as the day to be Thankful approaches, I get the urge to just want to hide away for the week, and come out when it's over. But I can't. I have children that I have to teach to be thankful. I have children that need to be surrounded with family and loved ones, during this holiday season. I can't be selfish. The one time I probably should be. I'm not.

9 years ago next week, I weakly tried to take my own life. Not because I was suicidal, not because I was depressed, not because of any of the "normal" thoughts that people who try to commit suicide have.. And when I think about it, I don't consider it trying to take my own life, I just wanted the pain to stop. The hurt.. I just didn't want to see it or feel it anymore. I won't go in to detail here because there are people who I've made amends with over the situation that deserve that respect. ( I think!)

In the last few months, I've finally gotten some closure on that situation..the sordid details of what I thought I saw compared to what "actually" happened.. so that's helped a little. But that night, I can replay in my head over and over like a rewind button. I can tell you how things smelled, I can tell you what everyone in the house that morning was wearing, I can see it SO vividly after all this time, that it just won't go away.

After my hysterical freak out I had over what I had stumbled upon looking for my husband in a zombie like sleep state, everyone left me in the house by myself. Traumatized. His family had been over visiting for the holiday, and they ALL left me, including my sister, and went to his cousin's house. I locked myself in the downstairs closet, and slit my wrists, swallowed a bottle of ibuprofen, along with some Nyquil, or some other generic brand of that stuff and whatever else I could find in the medicine cabinet.. I just wanted it all to stop. After not answering a few phone calls, one of them, *still not sure who* called the police to come and do a welfare check on me. So even though they'd all left me, apparently somebody cared or was worried. Because I had cuts in my wrist and had tried to hurt myself, the police had to take me and have me committed to the hospital psych ward. This was not a fun time for me. I was alone, I was hurt, and my husband didn't care. He said he wouldn't visit me in the hospital, because I had just done what I did for attention.

I never did it for attention. I never did it because I actually wanted to kill myself. My heart just hurt so badly, I wanted it to stop. I wanted those visions out of my head.

The hospital called my parents, and they had to drive across the state to come and get me. Somewhere in that madness, I had decided to go home, or maybe he told me I needed too..I don't remember exactly where the decision came from for me to go back home.. But the hospital had to have my parents consent to release me, and they had to sign something saying I would receive counseling at home.

I went to counseling. But my family pretended like nothing happened. I was living in the same house as my sister, who had just betrayed me in the ultimate way and I found it very hard to heal. I never recieved an apology from her, I never got a reason as to why she did it, except that night, when she said she "just wanted to be like me".. Imitation is the best form of flattery? Is that how it goes?

So every year around this time, I get anxiety. When my mom wants to do the family thing and have us all together, I just can't get excited about it. I dread it, and put it off as long as possible. I can't sleep at night, I have nightmares, I just don't feel right about spending the day with those people. I keep it pretty well hidden for the rest of the year, but when Thanksgiving comes around, I just don't feel like putting on a smiley face for everyone to see. It's a constant reminder of the pain I felt, and continue to feel for that betrayal. Not at my ex husband, but at my sister. Blood is supposed to be thicker than water.. but this blood isn't very thick..

I probably shouldn't have blogged this, although private, and only a few people can read it. But it actually feels good to get it out. To IDENTIFY my pain, and be ok with talking about it. It still hurts after 9 years..

will it ever go away?

The Reason

2009-11-05T19:37:00.000-08:00

I had a life changing moment this week. A truly, satisfying moment. I don't even know if I can explain it. But this moment reminded me of why I do what I do, and is something to remind myself of when I'm having a stressful day or feeling unappreciated.

I'm the school MCEA Secretary (our form of a PTA), and I volunteer A LOT! My volunteer hat is a one I wear quite often. Often during big events at the school, or mostly leading up to those events, life can get pretty stressful. Not stressful to the point you want to quit, but sometimes a little more then most can handle. Juggling 3 kids, working full time, and managing to keep my house somewhat manageable is enough, add on all the extra stuff I take on, and it can be overwhelming at times. A few weeks ago, I planned the landscaping for the front of the school, and organized a work party to get it all planted. So I don't just volunteer, I volunteer BIG!

This week, I was in charge of the Book Fair, at my daughters school. It was the first book fair in our newly remodeled school library! It was in a central location, and not hidden away like the old library, and we did AWESOME! (We made over $3000, which computes to $1500 for the school for education materials from Scholastic). Anyway I was lucky, that this fair was successful. When I did the book fair before, I didn't work, so I could devote the time to it. Being a full time working mom, made it a lot of work to schedule it all, orchestrate it, and have it be successful. But with a great group of volunteers, I was able to pull it off. My wonderful moment came at the end of the fair, and it reminded me why I do what I do.

Earlier in the week, a young boy from our school had come in to the BookFair with his family in the evening. This boy is someone I see all the time, but don't get to interact with. I've only heard him say a few words, but have seen his emotions many times. The night I saw him with his mother visiting us, was the most I'd ever interacted with him. (Aside from the last book fair I did) He really likes the I SPY books. He was amazed by the posters on the wall, one in particular, a dinosaur. He really wanted the poster. I mean, he REALLY wanted the poster. The posters (in my opinion) are ridiculously over priced. Mom didn't buy it for him. He left the library, and he wasn't very happy about it. He came back in to the book fair later in the week with his teacher, and again, I watched him get excited at the "HORSE"...

Each day, we drew a name to raffle off one of the posters. The last day came and I was packing up the bookfair with a friend. I told him I'd be right back, and I took the dinosaur poster down and walked it to the his class room, and told the teacher I had the poster for him. She got him for me, and told him someone had something for him. When he saw that poster, his eyes lit up, and a smile so big graced his face. He kept calling it a horse, but then would "rawr" at the poster. He wouldn't stop "rawr-ing"!! Chills went through me at the site of his happiness and I really saw the difference I am capable of making.

I can't explain this moment in words. There are no words. I know that there were other people in the room that saw and understood the emotion I was feeling, and the emotion he was feeling. The poster is hung up in his room at school, and all this week it has been the highlight of his day when he gets there. His teacher has reassured me that it was the best moment he's had in a while, and the difference it makes in him. It was a totally self less moment, but made me feel so satisfied at the same time, to know that I made a difference.

Thinking about it brings a smile to my face, and it's a memory, I'm not soon to forget.

stuck in my own head

2009-10-18T21:34:00.001-07:00

I'm so drained lately. I have no energy to burn, I feel like a caged hamster running in circles on the same squeaky wheel. And I'm going nowhere fast.

I feel selfish. I just want to be lost in my own thoughts. Not answer to anyone. I crave the silence. I've gotten myself into too many projects while trying to maintain my sanity and raise my children properly, making sure they are exposed to enough, able to be involved in extra curricular activities, being well taken care of, providing for them, and working towards giving them the best. Being supermom. I'm worn out, and I need a break, but I can't seem to stop.. Always going, never stopping..always somewhere to be and something to do.

And in it, I've kind of fallen in to a depression. With other things going on around me in my life, relatives being sick, not on good terms with my bio dad, being supportive to family and friends in need, emotionally I'm also worn out. No medical or dental, can't afford to fix my teeth which are causing me excruitiating pain, that I live with on a daily basis, too poor to afford to fix myself. The physical pain. Providing for my children first and foremost, and not in the way I had dreamed/hoped. I feel like a failure, and in trying to prove that I'm not, I've overwhelmed my own well being..

My job gives me stress, but I can't afford to walk away from it, and be home with my children again, where I want to be. I want to be more. I AM more...

And this court stuff I'm going through. I want it to go away, and I need to be pro active in it, and yet again, money is the issue. I'm so mentally drained..

why can't I just win the lottery?

Who knew life as a "lower class" mom would be so hard, and who knew I'd be one?

New Chapter

2009-09-03T10:00:00.000-07:00

Lately I've felt a new wave of emotions that has come over me like a tidal wave. I would like to think that it's because Josh finally proposed, and it's like starting a new chapter. But I really don't think that is the reason. I believe that we've just reached a new threshold. We've been through so much in the last 3 years, that it's unbelievable we've made it this far, and overcome all adversity. A big part of me was starting to become remorseful, resentful, and just unhappy. I felt like we were just treading water. We were both unhappy, angry and upset at each other for so many different reasons. We've had a couple of big blow outs, at one point, he moved out. That was a huge eye opener for both of us. We realized that isn't what we wanted, and our family was the most important part of our lives. That neither of us REALLY wanted to be apart from each other. I think that time, just opened up some different lines of communication that we forgot existed. We've both hurt each other, in different ways, but we realized that the most important thing was that we love each other. If we'd made it through all the other rough patches (some that were much rougher than others), then why were we giving up so easily?
So we went to counseling, we learned to TALK to each other. One thing I'm constantly working on, is to not get so defensive all the time. It's one of my biggest downfalls of my personality. I've been that way my whole life for many different reasons, and it's just my natural reaction to take offense to things he says, whether they are directed towards me or not. He may just make a general statement, and I will think it's directed at me. That's been huge. And sometimes, he just needs to tell me to knock it off, and I'll snap out of it and realize what I'm doing. It's subconsciously, and sometimes I can't help it. So I'm working on being better about that. Anyway, in our new found form of communication, we realized that besides just loving each other, we really can tell each other anything. He is my best friend, and if I lost that, I just wouldn't be whole. I lost my best friend once before, and there's no way I'm going to lose Josh. He knows my inner most secrets, some of which are more hurtful to him then to me. But he continues to love me and ALL of my downfalls.
I grew resentful after being together for 6 years and him not being divorced. I did things to sabotage our relationship, whether I realized it or not, because taking that long really had it's emotional toll on me. Just him finalizing the divorce in the last few months has been a huge weight lifted off of both of our shoulders. More so then I ever really thought. I knew it affected us both, but not as much as it truly did. So we've moved on to a new chapter.
And just being not so selfish emotionally has had a huge difference in both of our lives. He has a hard time showing his emotions verbally. So while I know that he loves me, or that he was mad at me, he would just bottle it up, where as I have a hard time with physical emotion. It's not common practice for me to take him aside and just give him a hug and tell him I love him. I show love by doing things for the ones I love, not ever thinking that just saying I love you, or giving a hug sometimes means so much more. So while he's been working on just telling me how he feels, I've been working on not being so defensive about it, and showing the emotion I feel. It's made a huge difference in our relationship, that I've noticed, and it feels like we've finally reached a new level, not just idling by.
It's just nice knowing that we've reached that next chapter, and we really are intent on spending the rest of our lives together, and that we've worked so hard to make it to this point. We've been through more in our last 7 years together, then some couples go through in a lifetime, and we've made it..It's been hard, but we did it. And I'm looking forward more to the rest of my life then I ever have. I'm excited for what's to come, and having him spend it by my side. He is my rock and my strength, and I really don't know how I would ever do it without him.
He made a comment to me last night that really just put it all in to perspective. He said "We've had some bad times, but the times in between those times have been so good and full of laughter and smiles, that it makes it all worth while"... or something like that.
And those are my thoughts too. It's a great time in our lives, and I'm happy we've made it this far!!!

Spare the Rod..

2009-05-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

If only corporal punishment were legal. I've been feeling like that a lot these days. I sware, my kids would respect me a WHOLE lot more. I know as a child, I was deathly afraid of my dad's leather belt. And the switches in the back yard, that I might have to go pick myself for a good switching.. My kids on the other hand, they just laugh at me when I tell them they are gonna get a spanking. In fact, Lauryn laughed at me the other day after I spanked her.. and I hurt myself even more then I ever thought of hurting her. I don't spank my children often. It takes a lot for me to do that. I think there are times when it is needed. Mostly in my house, as a wake up call, when I've run out of every other option.. to let them know I mean business. Not that my business hurts, like I said.. It ALWAYS hurts me more.. physically!!

I went to a Mindful Parenting class, to learn how to better handle my children when I'm frustrated with them. To be more conscious of my parenting, and to find other ways at handling them, because, what I'm doing, just doesn't seem to be cutting it. At least with my middle child. And at most, it taught me to take deep breathes, and walk away if needed. My children are still very young, but they are SO DAMN SMART!

Lately, Lauryn has been giving me some SERIOUS attitude. Not the kind of attitude her sister has, with the drama, and the "valley girl" attitude. I keep trying to tell Ashley, that she lives in McCleary, and not "Cali".. but whatever. She thinks her tractors sexy. Lauryn on the other hand, has straight up attitude. I can't tell whether it's her birth sign, Scorpio, or just her stubborn-ness, that she gets from her father. A combination of both, or just that she's got some straight up evil in her. But the girl thinks she can do whatever the hell she wants! I know a lot of it, she's getting from her "new school".. but criminy. I don't know how much more I can take. Lately, when I tell her no, or tell her that she can't ride her bike down the driveway without an adult, or some other irrational thing I won't let her do, she straight up screams at me, and makes a hissing sound. I sometimes think she might be a little possessed... Or she'll tell me that she hates me, and she "doesn't like my attitude".. The attitude of telling her NO that is..

Like Friday evening for instance, I was driving home from picking the kids up at daycare. I had to go to Olympia to pay a bill directly after that. We didn't get to go home first. And Lauryn was MAD about it. She wanted to go home and ride her bike. She didn't like my attitude, at that moment.. So she took it upon herself to take her empty cup, and throw it at the back of my head!! I wasn't mad, I didn't even yell or scream, I simply sat there in awe, that my child had just done it. I didn't want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I was mad, nor did I want her to know that I thought it even a little bit funny.. mostly because I couldn't believe she did it. (go ahead, laugh out loud a little, you know you think it's funny too)..

I turned around and told her that it was unacceptable that she did that, and explained to her how she could of hurt me, and made us get in a wreck, you know, the RATIONAL way, if there is such a thing as explaining something rationally to a 4 year old. But I tried anyway, and I informed her that she would be going to her room when we got home, so she could think about the way she was acting. She responded by telling me that she didn't like my attitude. Big surprise there, eh?

And today, she was being mouthy in the back seat. Most kids, will mouth off to one parent, and know that it's DEFINITELY not ok to do it to the other i.e. DAD. But not Lauryn. She's got BALLS! She sat there, and I don't even remember what she was saying, but she was really getting under Josh's skin. We then started to talk about how we could deal with such a thing.. It's not like we can pull her over and beat her. It's not like we can do ANYTHING. The words we are using, AREN'T working, the punishments we use AREN'T working.. nothing works. She just doesn't care. She's the boss. Well, she thinks she is anyway.. I just feel like I'm at my wits end with her. Every button of mine, she knows how to push.. and push, and push.

So all the while she's being mouthy in the back seat, and Josh asked her if she needed an "attitude adjustment" aka, a spanking.. She replied, " I don't want a spankin.. I'll tell on you, and you'll go to jail!" WTF!? She's 4!!!

What on earth are we going to do when she's 14~!!

And that goes to show you what kind of society we live in. One where parents are AFRAID to touch their kids, and make them show some damn respect. She's 4. How on earth, does she know about people going to jail for abusing their kids. And she's FAR from being abused.. lol. Spare the rod, spoil the child. yep, that's my kid..

I'm a young parent, but a pretty good one, if I don't say so myself. I'm really hoping it's just a phase she's going through, but Lord help me. My strong willed 2nd born child, I sware, is going to be the death of me.. If she doesn't send me to jail first..

Lead me not in to temptation.

2009-02-11T16:22:00.000-08:00

How does that quote go? Lead me not in to temptation; I can find the way myself". I like that one. I always find it, or it finds me. It's lurking around every corner, in every shadow, and once every fleeting moment of 15 seconds. It's there. It's always there. It's like this drug, it's addicting. I can't get enough, but it makes me even sicker in the end. I've never been strong in that aspect. I'm so weak I can't carry a tune in that department. My knees get soft, and I want to fall to the floor.

A temptation is an act that looks appealing to an individual. It
is usually used to describe acts with negative connotations and as
such, tends to lead a person to regret such actions, for various reasons: legal, social, psychological (including feeling guilt),
health, economic, etc. Temptation also describes the coaxing or
inducing a person into committing such an act, by manipulation or
otherwise of curiosity, desire or fear of loss.

But for the first time in my life. I am strong. I face temptation head on, and I tell it. I am not weak. You will not conquer me this time. You will not make me think this is what I am, or who I am, or even who I want to be. I am happy with what I have and the temptation, is just that.. it's full of regret, anxiety, depression, all the things I need no more of. So here I say it.. TEMPTATION BE GONE!! I am the one who is in control, and it is I who will make the decision to overcome. I am done with you. I'm happy with what I have, and the grass is NEVER greener...

The Rooster

2009-02-02T20:06:00.000-08:00

Since we just celebrated the Chinese New Year, Ashley had been learning about it at school. She brought home a cheat sheet of the Chinese Animal Zodiac. She spent the evening studying it, and figuring out which animal each of us are.

She is a snake. I a Rooster, Lauryn is a Monkey, Logan a pig and Josh is a snake also. That was last week.

Tonight we were sitting down at dinner, and the Chinese Zodiac came up again. Ashley needed a refresher on what my Zodiac was. I told her I was a Rooster, and Josh piped up with "that's because your cocky." The conversation went a little something like this..

Josh: "That's right, your mom should be a Rooster, cause she's cocky".
Ashley: "What does cocky mean?"
Josh: "It means your big, and tough, and mean, and you know it."
Ashley: "Well, you should be a Rooster then."..

ahh, out of the mouths of babes.

The Toof Fairy.

2009-01-16T12:55:00.000-08:00

It's a little late to sing "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth".. but she's doing it anyway. Her first one on top became loose around Thanksgiving. She pulled and she tugged, and she wiggled with all her might. So much so, she even got in trouble for it at school. She tried convincing everyone she knew to pull it for her, to no avail, for weeks. Almost a month. She wanted to sing that song. It didn't work. Two weeks ago, right after New Years, she spent the night at Grandma's, and since it was finally hanging by a thread, grandma grabbed some thread and pulled that puppy out. The tooth fairy left her $5. I felt jipped. The tooth fairy at my house, left me 50 cents when I was a kid. I called Grandma's tooth fairy out on that one. She responded with "cost of living went up". The next day the left one was loose. Ashley was yet on another mission. She was determined to get that one out too, because she wanted more money. If you've ever met my kid, or ever read any of my blogs about her, she is obsessed with money. If she has a hobby, it's collecting money. In jars, in piggy banks, in the actual bank, in her purse, in her drawers. If she finds it in the dryer, it's hers and she stashes it. So getting that $5, gave her an itch that needed to be scratched. She needed that other tooth out for the money. Yesterday morning, it was really loose. I went to work, Josh stayed home with the kids yesterday using up another day of bereavement leave. I called home to check to make sure Ashley made it home ok, and he informed me that she came home with the tooth box. It's this little box the kids get when their teeth fall out at school. (whoever invented that must be a millionaire). When he informed me, I shuttered... CRAP. This tooth fairy has no money! Tomorrow is payday! Why couldn't she wait one more day!! But that's the story of my life. Always a day late, or a dollar short.

Last night, I was getting the kids ready for bed after their bath. Ashley was being impatient and she wanted her tooth. She was afraid I was going to forget. (secretly, I was hoping she was, so I could hold off another night, she's a smart one!). I was trying to get Logan in to bed, so Josh grabbed the tooth box and helped her put it under her pillow. Sometime during the night, she came in to our bed. She wanted to cuddle with me. I wanted her to go back to bed, but I was too tired to fight it. She's been craving some mommy time, since the other two have been sick they've been getting more attention. So I let her stay, and we both drifted off in to an uncomfortable dreamland.

She got up this morning, got ready for school, and it seemed like she had completely forgotten about her tooth. Until all of a sudden she darted for her bedroom, and came back with her big toothless grin. She said "She left me $5...ahh man, I was hoping for $15!" I told her she had some wishful thinking. Apparently another little girl in her class lost her two front teeth at the same time over Christmas Break and got $15. Are you freaking kidding me? I can't keep up with this local tooth fairy! I thought getting $5 was more than enough. The Tooth Fairy who visited our house last night, left $5 more, which is more than I was planning to scrounge up to leave under the pillow!

So we informed her that the tooth fairy leaves her as much as she thinks the teeth are worth to her, and that she needs to remember to brush as much as she's supposed too, so the Fairy will leave her more money for the tooth. She replied with "Ahh man!! I forgot to brush it before I put it under my pillow". I had to remind her that she needed to brush them BEFORE they fell out, not after, and she came back with "Well Josh takes his teeth out to brush them!"..

How do you respond to that!?

Fare Thee Well

2009-01-15T20:41:00.000-08:00

Baby No More..

2009-01-04T18:05:00.000-08:00

I knew it. I JUST knew it. I knew, the second I cut his hair off, and yes, those precious little curls, that my baby would be gone..

It's strange. His haircut has made him a completely different kid. Like Lauryn with her hearing, she's not the same quiet, loving kid. No she's more like an extremely opinionated, outspoken little girl now. Anyway, this blog is about Logan, not Lauryn.

His hair chopping session was great. I was getting tired of chasing him around the house trying to brush it to make him appear somewhat of a well taken care of child. Not like the ragamuffin he is.. =) I was getting tired of the snot in his bangs and then crusting to his head. I didn't want to get rid of the curls, but the last time we tried that, he ended up with a mullet.

A mullet that was somewhat unnoticeable to most, but to others, he somewhat resembled Joe Dirt in his younger years.

So I did it. Saturday, I took him in and said, I want it all chopped off. She showed me this super cute picture of a style that I really liked, where it was still kind of long on top, but short in the back, and it could be styled. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Logan was deathly afraid of the short little Asian woman coming at him with scissors in hand. He clung to me for dear life, and screamed like a banshee. A tone he's seemed to perfect lately.

See he wasn't happy.

He had to sit on my lap, and she just started chopping. I thought she knew what she was doing at first, but I think she was more worried about getting it over with than actually getting the style I wanted. Oh well. It's just hair right?
After a bit, he calmed down, and let her cut the rest of it.
But look at those curls, and how long it was in the back. WHAT WAS I THINKING??

And here he is all done..

My little man, now runs around the house screaming when he wants things, throwing fits, and has MUCH more attitude than he did before. I'm sure alot of it has to do with age, since he just hit the 18 month mark on Christmas. He's officially a waddler.. not an infant, and not quite toddler yet.. but man..

Watch out world, he is baby no more..

Manners anyone?

2009-01-04T15:22:00.000-08:00

I've never wanted to punch so many people in the face all at one time as I did last night. We went to Zoolights, and I imagine part of the chaos is because of the crazy weather we'd been having and so many people missed out attending during the actual season, and everyone thought it was the last night. Little do most people know that it's open until next weekend.. (just a little FYI). Anyway, it was the only night that all 3 of us, my mom, my sister and I, would be able to make it at the same time. So we went and took just the girls.

It was insane! People are so rude. Never mind you're trying to take a picture, I'm just going to walk right in front of you, and STOP. Or forget you have 2 little ones with you, I'm going to PUSH you out of the way and trample on your kids at the same time.

What happened to the days when vacationers, or sightseers, were actually encouraged to take a picture? Remember when people would OFFER to take a picture of your whole family for you, so the odd man out taking the picture wasn't always missing? I kid you not, last night, people were pushing people to get out of the way to get a picture in the infamous Zoolights Circle.

We didn't push anybody. We patiently waited our turn..and look, MOM IS MISSING!! Nobody offered to take our picture...

Then there were the kids that nobody paid attention too. Like the 12-13 year olds running around practically knocking my kid down on every turn. There was no real chance to stop and actually ENJOY looking at the lights with the kids, because the "big kids" were so busy rushing through and crowding everyone out of the way. It was so crowded.. I got whacked in the vajayjay (as Oprah would say) with a glow in the dark sword that made attack noises by some kid who was frantically swinging it this way and that. And all his dad said was "I TOLD YOU TO WATCH WHERE YOU WERE SWINGING THAT THING".. My mom made the comment, "he probably was watching where he was swinging it".. lol.

I have a LOT of patience. Sometimes too much. My sister on the other hand has NONE. She made a comment to my mom and I about the lady who practically stopped in the middle of our picture pose of the girls, and the lady turned around and stared at her. I thought we might have had WWF right there at the zoo. I was waiting for it, really, I was.

Seriously, I just don't know what happened to courtesy, manners, and being polite in public. No wonder the kids these days have none.. Their parents don't either!!!
We made it through the night though, no black eyes, bruises or missing teeth, (besides Ashley's of course).. so I guess it was alright. I think next year, we'll go on a Wednesday...

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!

2008-12-22T14:28:00.000-08:00

I think I'm getting sick of the snow. Not so much the snow I guess, but the cabin fever that associates itself with the snow and being stuck on a hill that is packed in ice and NO WAY OUT. I guess I could walk, but where would I walk too? The town is pretty much shut down too. I thought about walking out to catch the bus to Olytown, so I could finish my Christmas shopping, but that idea got sunk along with my good mood!

I'm getting kind of down and out because my shopping isn't done, but then I try to remind myself, that the Holidays aren't about presents, and that's what I've been trying so desperately to teach my kids this Christmas, but I'm THE ONE who wants to buy them the presents! I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if other people weren't so caught up in how much they are spending, or not spending!! We've had a great time in the snow, being snowed in, sledding down our hill in to the neighbors yard,

sipping Hot Cocoa, power outages, Monopoly games, baking cookies, taking walks, playing video games, and watching Christmas movies. So we really are making memories, but I want OUT!!

The Trees that were smoking and sparking over the power lines this morning. It took out our power.

EVEN THE PUD TRUCK GOT STUCK!

I think I'm going a little bit crazy. I've run out of things to do/play.. and then my mind starts wandering. I've been watching my oldest who is very disappointed because she missed her Fiesta at school, and now she's missed her Christmas parties with her other half of the family because of the snow and ice, and missing her dad. She's fine until she talks to him, and then she realizes she's unhappy about it. I try to remind her that she's lucky to have family around her right now, ( I KNOW, I should take my own advice).. and I tell her that I know how she feels. I remember many holidays/birthdays that I didn't get to spend with my dad. Mostly because he was selfish...which is kind of the same scenario for Ashley. I remind her how lucky she is that her dad calls her, and WANTS to spend time with her (even if it is for his own selfish reasons).. my dad didn't even bother. I remember when he didn't call, write, or even send a birthday card. So I KNOW how she feels.. but I know it still hurts. So I've been trying desperately to keep all 5 kids occupied. To keep their little minds busy..and it keeps my mind distracted for the most part.. I just don't know. I love this snow, but I HATE being trapped here. I feel like I'm in a cage, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like knowing that I can't go anywhere.. although, it is warming up, and there might be a chance that my driveway will melt long enough for me to get out.. fat chance, but it's my only Christmas Wish...

My Driveway.

Better Man...

2008-12-09T13:38:00.000-08:00

It's weird. I always feel like I'm doing some sort of damage control inside myself. I have so many thoughts that race through my mind at any given time. I am a daydreamer, with constant reminders of the nightmares, and daydreams that have been my life. I got an email this morning, that really put a lot of things in to perspective for me. On what a "bad" person I was in the past. Not necessarily bad in the way you would think, but on not doing what was best for me, and always taking the easy way out, or not thoroughly thinking through my rash decisions, that have become my history. It's strange how as a person, or somewhat of an "adult" when I was on my own after high school, newly married with a husband on the other side of the world, doing his civic duty, I never really thought long term. I have always been the kind of person to make rash decisions, without looking forward, at what the consequences might be. I do now, more as a person, only because I became a mom, and I have more to worry about than just myself. But I still have struggled with doing what is "right". I have a tendency to look for things outside of my natural environment to fix things..instead of sticking it out and fixing them and barreling through the hard times. Especially in regard to my sexuality. I know that most people would call my problem "the daddy syndrome".. you know, you don't have a dad, or a father figure who treats you normal, so you always are looking for that love. Most of the time in all the wrong places. For me, my body had never been a sanctuary. If I was taught that as a child, I sure don't remember it. It is one of the things I go out of my way, to make sure that my girls remember and know. That THEY are important for so many reasons besides the "beauty" outside. In the last couple of years, I've been searching for that ability to be comfortable with who I am inside and out. Whether other people like me or not, has always been one of my downfalls. It's not that I go out of my way to make other people like me, but I've always been constantly worried about what others think. Until I got pregnant with Logan. It was a huge eye opener for me, when it wasn't just ME that I had to think about. It's no secret, (thanks to the small town I live in, and the wonderful world of blogging and internet) that I didn't know who Logan's dad was. (Now doesn't that sound like something you would see on Montel or Maury? Well, that's kind of what it was like, except I knew it was one of two possibilities, not like 25 or something like most of those women!) Instead of hiding it, or pretending that I was ok with that fact, I took the situation head on, and faced it with a strength I didn't have before. I never believed more in my life, that if "God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". And He did. Stronger, and more capable of being ME than ever before. I had finally faced my inner demons, and wasn't worried about what other people thought. The only thing I was worried about, was having a healthy, happy baby boy. And I did! And he's been nothing but a blessing to me, and to our family. He's brought Josh and I closer than ever before..because going through that alone, would have been tough, but I didn't have too. Josh was by my side, every step of the way and then some. ..
Anyway, it's just eye opening to look back on some of the crazy, STUPID, inconsiderate things I have done in my life. Never really thinking about who I might be hurting, just that I was. I needed to numb myself, and by removing myself mentally from the situation, I was able to pull a lot of it off without ever looking back. Except I did. I looked back. I look back everyday, and think, "what if"? What if, I had never become a mom? Would I still be in self destructo mode? (and it's not that I'm 100% free of this issue, I just am more aware of it and cautious now).. What if I had thought about who I was hurting, instead of being selfish, and wanting ME to be happy? What if I hadn't ruined my marriage to my high school sweetheart? What if I had put myself in someone else's shoes, instead of walking 5 miles in my self proclaimed misery? I know that everything happens for a reason, and obviously, if I hadn't made the decisions I had, I wouldn't be where I am today, and mostly by that, I mean I wouldn't have the children I do. And they are what is most important in my life. Obviously we all know that everything happens for a reason, but it would be so great, if at that time, we knew what that reason was. I have tried, and am still trying to be a better person, to set a good example for those little minions I call my offspring. Because I want more for them. I don't want them to experience the heartbreak I have, the disappointment, the resentment, the hostility that I held inside for so long. Sometimes I think, that I've experienced all this for no good reason at all, but I know deep down, that just by being vocal about it all, that somebody out there will understand too, and maybe just maybe, that's why.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my life has been horrible at all, by any means. I am really lucky to have lived the life I have. Sometimes I wish it just wasn't so hard, and that I could go back and erase the hurt I have caused. To go back and make it right. But I can't. So I won't. I just go on, and pay it forward. I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday, and even better the next. And by confronting my demons, that's the first step, isn't it? Well, maybe the second, after denial of course!!

(and now that I have went back and read that, it doesn't all necessarily make sense to me, but oh well, isn't that what Blogging is all about? To get it OUT there?)

Headache Holidays

2008-11-28T19:05:00.000-08:00

I did it. I survived another Turkey Day. Turkey day for me, most years turns out to be some drastic, melodramatic day, this year it was bearable.

I always dread this time of year. I start to think about my marriage that failed, Thanksgiving Night for good of 2000.. It was pretty much already in the toilet at that point, but some days, just get marked as "the one", or "the last time". That was my worst Thanksgiving ever. I caught my husband in bed, doing only God knows what in my own house, while I tried to sleep in the next room waiting for him to come to bed. Now, another thing that only God knows too (and you if you've been one of the privileged to know all or most of my secrets) that I was not innocent in my marriage either. But to find what I did, horrified my existence. Broke trust I had, and really have never gotten back. But that being said, I've moved on.

And 2 Turkey Day's ago, I ran over a lady in a parking lot. Now pick that chin back up, I didn't REALLY run her over. It was a last minute stop at WalMart, (the devil chain store).. I needed to get Josh some rain gear, because the weather had been really crappy. Anyway, this lady, I sware on all of me, had to have jumped out in front of me.. If you've ever been to WalMart, and odds are there's a pretty good chance you have been, you've seen those crazy pedestrians. Heck, I've been one of those crazy pedestrians. I sware, they think they own the road... Well, long story short, I hit one of them, who also already happened to have a prostetic leg..

Now I know you want to hit me with all the jokes you can, but I'm pretty sure I've already heard them all! (you couldn't have hit a pedestrian who wasn't already disabled?, you had to take out a slow one?) things like that, never get old. But she wasn't slow, in fact, I'm pretty sure I was the victim of a scam, but the lady had the wrong target. She recently has stated that she wants 50,000 from me to cover the cost of damages.. keep in mind, that I was not cited with a traffic violation, nor hauled to jail, nor is it even on my driving record. (did you know that WalMart parking lots are considered private property?).... I don't think she realized that even white trash with no money can drive nice vehicles... ;-)

Anyway, that was another Turkey Day mishap.. Just to name a few. The major ones of late anyway.. I just dread it. Having split families never makes holidays fun. It's always a headache. And that time of the year as I like to call them the Headache Holidays, are officially here. But I survived the first one.

I let go of the issues, the pain, the feelings of resentment, and also of remorse. I've been doing a lot of self healing lately.. (I have to, the insurance won't pay for it, lol) I've taken responsibility for my actions, I've become aware of my weaknesses, and also my strengths in the same respect. I will not NOT enjoy my existance, because others are negative assholes..

I've let go. and moved on. I remembered to remind myself that I am in control of my feelings and emotions. I've learned that the pain I've felt has all been real, and to talk about it so freely, means that I have let it go, I don't let it control me. At least I'm trying.

I've realized that I have a love that has withstood so many trials and tribulations. And for that I am thankful. For my love, and my family, and the love of my family, is all I need.. even if it is a bit dysfunctional at times. I just have to remember to practice my deep breathing and I will make it through the Headache Holidays...

10 Rules for Being Human

2008-11-28T18:54:00.001-08:00

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

I chose to live, not just exist.

2008-11-28T18:42:00.000-08:00

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Jim Morrison

6 YEARS!

2008-10-24T14:06:00.000-07:00

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

In the last week, I've had so much time to reflect. I've focused on my relationship, and how I almost let it slip away. Josh and I have been together for 6 years tomorrow! It's crazy, how time has flown by. We've made so many memories. We've laughed, and cried, and thrown things, and yelled, and every other emotion, we've experienced together. We've been through a lot. It's not easy to be in a relationship, it's not easy to be a parent, it's not easy to be a blended family. Yet somehow, we've managed to pull it off, and do it together. We've had some hard times. Financially and emotionally. But as I layed in bed last night thinking about tomorrow and the "anniversary" that it is, I really thought about how lucky I am. There are so many people out there that have been 'against' us. People who told him he'd be better off without me, people who've told me the same. We've got ex's to deal with, that we'll ALWAYS have to deal with, and that is no easy feat either. But we do it. And we LOVE to do it together. He makes me a better person. I am the yin to his yang, or the other way around. I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that we complete each other, more so than any one else has ever made me think about.

I tried to live without him, and I couldn't. I thought I'd "be better off"..but I'm not. I know that he's never felt that way, but I have a tendency (moreso than him) to shrink in to my manic state of depression, and be self destructive. He stands by my side, even when I've done the most self destructive of things. Even if it was geared towards him, or has affected him. He is there. And there's no doubt in my mind that he always will be.

He made a comment to me on the way home yesterday, and it struck deep. We were talking about the difference of small schools vs. big schools. And our exact conversation was about Elma vs. Oakville. We were following the bus home, more like, got stuck behind it. It was an Elma bus. I made the comment, well, if it comes all the way out here, my kids should have been able to go to Elma. I really wanted Ashley to go to kindergarten in Elma. But we live on the wrong side of the tracks for that! Josh said, "well, you don't want her to go there anyway. She's fine where she's at. Small schools are better anyway. I went to a small school, and I think I turned out great".. I chuckled, and said "well I went to a big one, and... " And I stopped at that sentence. And he grinned. And I said " go ahead say it, say how I turned out!" And he said, "you're turning out great with my help. by the time I'm done with you, you'll be the person you always wanted to be and are capable of being"... He was being sarcastic, but.....

It's so true. I'm not sure the small school vs. big school had anything to do with it. But then again it might have. It could also have to do with the dynamics of our family lives. His parents are STILL married. Mine, divorced, remarried, and divorced, remarried again. I'm sure MANY factors have to do with this.. but anyway... He is MUCH more confident than me. He has no hard time, saying how he feels. He is honest with himself. He had a closer circle of friends than me. And I think those are attributes of a kid that grew up in a small town where everybody knew everybody. In my town, everybody knew everybody, but only because they were a friend of a friend. It isn't MUCH bigger, but big enough to make a huge difference. He graduated with like 20 kids. I graduated with like 200.

Anyway, back to the point. His comment struck home. He has helped me become the person I want to be. He's helping me be more sure of myself. To tell people how I really feel. Not let them walk all over me. He's helped me to learn what being a "true friend" is. He's helped me discover my passions (and not just the sexual one, you perverts).. He makes me want to be a better person. To make him happy. To make MYSELF happy. He makes me a better parent. We are the perfect balance. Even when I was at my lowest point, he turned to me one night and said " I know why you did what you did, and I still love you".. I will never forget that night for as long as I live, or the dementia strikes, whichever comes first...

He is an amazing man. He provides for our family. He does what he can to get us through this crazy, tragic, magic, life. He is an AWESOME father to Ashley. He treats her as if she is his own. She might as well be!! He is the rock. He is MY ROCK. And I don't know how I ever lived without him by my side. It's been a crazy ride. Sure there are some things I'd like to change, or go back and "fix". But the truth is, we wouldn't be as strong as we are, if we hadn't gone through these things together.

so 6 years, and 2 kids later... I finally know where I'm supposed to be. And that's next to him for the rest of my life.

I love you Joshy. I don't tell you enough. But here you have it writing, for the whole wide web to see...

I am me, and you are you, and TOGETHER we are US!

There's no one, I would have rather smoked out the window at 4 am with.....

Happy 6 years!!!

Lattins!

2008-10-19T09:02:00.001-07:00

Make a Smilebox photobook

Ashley Elaine Cox Ritter Terry

2008-10-08T14:27:00.000-07:00

My child. She turned 7 last week. I don't even know where the time went. But everyday, she reminds me that she is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Getting pregnant with her changed my life in every way possible. It wasn't the greatest thing at the time, I was young, well 20, doesn't seem so young because I know so many younger ones, but to me it was. I didn't want children until I was out of college, independent, and married. I kind of do everything backwards, but that's just me. I got married, divorced, pregnant, then college. But anyway, back to the topic at hand. She has made me a better person, and given me the desire to be a GREAT example to her. I don't want her to do things the way I did, however, I'll not try to stop her, because I know how that turns out. I want to be her friend, I want her to trust me, and to know that she can come to me with ANY issue. She is so charismatic, loving, funny, talented, she will be a superstar someday. Not that she already isn't. But the girl has some talent, that will take her places, if we focus her energy positively. Never in a million years, would I have thought, that I would have a child that is so smart, witty, in tune with EVERYTHING around her, wise beyond her years, (and ears).. She catches me off guard more often than not, and definitely keeps me on my toes.

I was going through her backpack the other day, and took out her homework folder. Filing through the pages, looking at what she's learning, I happen to notice the name at the top of the page. It took up the whole length of the page.

ASHLEY ELAINE COX RITTER TERRY.

That's what it said.

For a while now, she's been telling me that's her name. Or when anyone asks her name, she gives them that speel. I walked across the kitchen and showed it to Josh. He just smiled. When you ask her why she says that's her name, she says , "Well my dad is a Cox, You are a Ritter, and Josh is a Terry. So I'm all 3!" It's quite hilarious, because she ends it with her cheesiest smile yet. I have tried to explain to her, that just because those are our last names, doesn't make it hers. She says " I know, but that's what I want it to be." I guess there's no stopping her. Once her minds made up, that's how she rolls! She says that once Josh and I get married, she'll take out the Ritter part, cause then I'll be a Terry and she won't need the Ritter. ;-)

So hurry up Josh, there's enough Ritter's in this world!!

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

From the Shallow End

2008-10-08T14:13:00.000-07:00

I don't mean to be superficial, but let's face it, I am. And there's nothing like a presidential debate to remind me how deeply superficial. It's not that I don't hear what the candidates are saying, but I always begin by noticing what they're wearing, and whose shirt looks better, and of course, whose tie. I spent a great deal of the first debate upset about the way Obama's shirt fit too loosely around his neck, and I had quite a lot of fantasies about how to help him in this area. If I were married to him I assure you he never would have left the house in that shirt.
By the time tonight's debate was minutes old, I had decided that Obama had won. His shirt looked great, and his suit fit beautifully. This seemed important. He sat down in a chair that was basically unsittable and he looked fantastic. He loped around the stage, holding the microphone as if he'd been born with a silver one in his hand. Compare that to McCain: his jacket fit oddly and his way-too-wide tie was poking out of the bottom. He was unhealthy -- overweight and out-of-breath, almost gasping for air every five or six words. And he looked so stumpy and awkward walking around the stage that I couldn't imagine why he'd ever thought a Town Hall format would be good for him.
I feel a little guilty about all these shallow criteria, but not too guilty, because in some horrible way, these debates are really not about substance but trivia. We have been with these guys a long time, and we now know what they're going to say and how they're going to say it. McCain repeats himself way worse than Obama -- "my friends," "earmarks," etc. -- but both of them are guys we've been married to for a long time, and we know their stories. It's true I had no idea that McCain learned everything he knew from a chief petty officer, but that was about the extent of the surprises he had in store for me after all these years together, and in any case, it was clearly bullshit.
But the point I'm leading up to is that both candidates are good at what debates are now about -- not making a mistake. It's amazing that they spend ninety minutes on a stage discussing the burning issues of our time, and in the end it can boil down to a slip of the tongue, a moment that's perceived as over the line, a factual mistake that can be made into a "gotcha" moment.
McCain came close to making a mistake, and there will be a big deal made over his referring to Obama as "that one" because it was patronizing and revealing. But in the end that moment will seem like yet another misguided attempt at the sort of casual joke McCain fails to make work most of the time. If I were married to him, an unlikely scenario, we would probably have fought in the car on the way home tonight, because I told him a million times not to try to be funny, but he never listens to me.
And if I were married to Obama, another unlikely scenario but a far more attractive one, I would be driving home having a hard time not thinking about the curtains.

The Scarecrow

2008-10-07T13:59:00.000-07:00

He wears velcro shoes,
And counts with his fingers.
He's definitely a Ginger!
When you see him you think Stranger Danger.
He talks to himself
And sometimes he answers.
Kinda funny he smells,
And when he's around, you're walking on eggshells.
Rearranging the spoons is what he does best,
Or counting the bowls to make sure ones not a miss.
Working with him can drive you insane,
Until you remember he's just like the scarecrow without a brain!

Does writing this make me the tin man without a heart?? *giggle*

In the middle

2008-10-03T14:39:00.000-07:00

For the longest time I've waited, to be able to have a relationship with my youngest sister. For so many different reasons, it has never happened until now. My parents divorce was so nasty, that I didn't see my dad for almost 10 years, except for the most sporadic of occasions. Sometimes, I'd see him at Christmas, sometimes, I'd get a call for my birthday, stuff like that. And rarely, I'd be able to see my sister who is 10 years younger than me.
Now, with the wonder of the internet combined with the fact that she's finally 18 and can make her own decisions to see me, we've been able to keep in touch, get together, and start to do "sisterly things".. It's been great. I love getting to know her, and her getting to know my children.
In the last couple of days, my dad had been calling. Leaving messages for me to call him back. The last one it was an "emergency". So I called one night before heading to a soccer game. His emergency was "are you with me or against me?".. Now him and my step mom are divorced, and they are having custody/child support issues. I won't get in to them here, but do you see a pattern in just the little bit I've written?
They apparently go to court next week, and he has the balls to ask me if I'm with him or against him. I grew a pair, and told him, I'm not on anyone's side. I'm on MY side. I'm not getting in the middle of their issues, to make it yet another issue to not be able to have a relationship with my sister. Her and her mom are pretty close, so I'm assuming, if I was "with him".. I'd be "against them". It's crap. And I can't believe he had the gall to call me and ask me that. And to say it was an emergency!!! He said he wanted to know what he could and couldn't tell me. Like I'm going to run to the closest loudspeaker and shout to the world what he tells me.. I could care less about their issues. My only issue is that I'm getting to know my sister, and nobody is going to stop me. He didn't like what I had to say. He started yelling at me. Told me I hurt his feelings, and that he couldn't believe I wasn't "on his side."
It really bothers me, that he would even attempt to put me in this position. To make me choose. After him not being there for me for so many years, I'm supposed to put all that aside, and just be on his side? Are you kidding me?
Maybe there's a reason people start to abandon him. Maybe there's a reason he wasn't in my life. It's made me a stronger (yet somewhat emotionally issued) person. I'm able to see the whole picture instead of just the little one staring me in the face. How dare he? I just don't even know what to say.
I feel bad for him, and want to be there for him. But not if he's going to try and put me in the middle...

Unexpected

2008-08-09T21:06:00.000-07:00

This is an old post..brought back for many reasons...

Have you ever seen someone that you weren't expecting to see? Has it ever made you feel like you could throw up right then and there? This happened to me yesterday, and I was not at all prepared. I saw someone who I haven't seen in years. Someone who was everything to me. Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Someone who meant everything to me, and I to him. But possibly, never could have meant anything to him at all. This person held my heart on a string, and destroyed all trust I ever had in anyone close to me. Someone I was not prepared to see.Someone who for more than 10 years, was my best friend. Someone who with just a look can go right to your gut. And this is what happened. It's crazy how a trip to the grocery store can alter your whole day, and possibly, the rest of your existence. This person, was my ex-husband. And for those of you close enough to me, you probably already knew that. And I was not prepared. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. But he's home for his brother's graduation. And I should've expected to run into him in this small town. But I didn't think it would be like that. He walked into the store while I was in the checkout, and just gave me a look that said everything. And all the pain and suffering I've been through came rushing through me like a 10 ton truck. I was not prepared for the feelings I had. I felt like I was going to lose it right there. And I was fine, until I got home. And then I lost it, in my loved ones arms. And he knew I was not all right. And it threw him for a loop, until I explained that those feelings were not of love, or lust, or even like. It was hurt, and pain. Pain that I thought I had dealt with. That apparently, I had made alright in my head, but not in my heart. See, me, who always counsels everyone else, thought that she could counsel herself. Make the hurt go away, and I thought I had done just that. But out of sight, out of mind, is more true than I ever imagined. And I admitted that I need to seek counseling to get over this. And my SOther, agreed, and admitted that he has his own demons that he needs to deal with as well. And he told me that if we are going to enter into a marriage, we both need to be "fixed" and stable enough that our marriage will survive through it all. We've both had a previous marriage. And I agreed. And it's something I am going to start next week. See, about 4 years ago, I caught this man in bed with my little sister, who was 16 at the time, on Thanksgiving Day. (Gives you a whole lot to be thankful for!) Someone who I trusted more than anything, betrayed me with someone so close to me, that I really haven't trusted since. And I sought counseling for a while, and I thought I was okay. Apparently, I'm not. I never thought I would have these kind of feelings run through me. I was not prepared. And I just sobbed and sobbed, while Joshua held me and told me everything would be okay. It's so nice to have not only a lover and a partner, but also a best friend. Someone who is stuck in a very hard place to deal with those kind of emotions running through me, but also understands where they come from. And is there for me, instead of running away because I had these emotions. I was not okay yesterday, I was a mess, and today it's better, but the tears are still there. I was not prepared for this emotional rollercoaster to run away with me on it. But I will get through this. Admitting, that I who is always "fixing" everyone else, need to fix myself. And today, is a new beginning. By admitting that I still harbor this pain inside, is the first step. I am going to get through this a bigger and stronger person. And I believe that by having this happen to me, is just what I needed to make me seek the help that I need. I need to get it out, and I need to talk about it, instead of holding it all inside. I need to learn to forgive...and forget. And this is another journey that I will begin, that will have a happy ever after. And it will make me a better person..and a healthier person. And a happier person, and I can begin the journey of the rest of my life with the one I love so dearly, as a clear and level headed individual, who won't break down in the grocery store! I will overcome!~

Girl Next Door

2008-08-09T21:05:00.000-07:00

She's lost in all the pain
Trapped somewhere going insane
She needs a sign
Some kind of reassurance that
Everything will be fine
Living in a world of tears,
She has no hopes, just fears
Her soul is scarred and shattered
She cant soar through life
Because her wings are weak and tattered
No one has ever told her that they care,
She's reaching out, but no one's there
Most days are a burden
Ans she wonders when the hurting will end
She feels so forlorn, with no one there to comprehend,
She longs for love, someone to take her away
Or just someone to live for everyday
Because she's tired of this feeling,
She's tired of emptiness while she's healing
She tries over and over again to be stronger
But every time the period of pain gets longer
Even though she tries to hold them back, Her tears keep rolling streaking her cheeks black
As she tastes them dying on her lips.
Her heart tears and rips
Her whole world is falling apart,
But her smile hides her broken heart.
Her laughter hides her feelings,
That are still true.

Who is this girl?

She could be the girl sitting next to you...

Blood from a turnip

2008-08-09T21:01:00.001-07:00

Well, today was my birthday. A day for reflection, a day of dreaming, a day of hope. For me, it was a day of so much....emotion. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been on this ride a few times in my life, but this time, I've flown right off the track.

So much has happened, so much has changed, and there aren't enough words to describe how I feel. For the longest time, I didn't think I had an "addictive" personality. In some ways, I still feel that way. I've never been an alcoholic, I've never been a druggie, I've always been able to indulge in such things at my will and stop when I wanted too. I quit smoking 4 times, that says something right? LOL.. This time for good, and it's been over 4 months now. Of course, I never really was a "smoker". I'm a social addict. I would smoke cigs when I drank with friends, or at work when I needed a break. I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, (my family always thought so). Sure I've done my share of things, who hasn't? But today I had a very huge awakening. Something in me that all clicked and made sense. And I've always known it, just didn't ever admit it to myself. But tonight I said it out loud...it all became real.

Now, I said I've never been an addict, I guess, just not the websters dictionary version of an addict. At least not in the way I would categorize it. But I realized, I was doing things to make myself numb. TO forget, to forgive, to just not think about stuff... And I realized today, that I am in the position I'm in because of marijuana. I haven't used in months in fact, since September I haven't touched the stuff, and have no intention too. I quit long before I got pregnant because I wanted too. I didn't go to treatment, I didn't get counseling, I just quit. I had a life changing experience because I had been using, and it changed my whole life...and I'm still feeling the shockwaves of it. I lost out on a really good job because of it. I went looking for other jobs, and found myself working for a cocky, egotistical maniac that I went to school with, because I needed a job. Then I lost the only thing that I thought had kept me strong for so long...but the truth is, I pushed it away.

I would smoke to numb my thoughts, to hide my anger, my frustration, my irritation, my childhood secrets, my insane family..I made myself numb. And in a sense, I was an addict, I just didn't know it. In turn of losing so much, I've gained a lot because of it. I didn't lose Josh thank GOD, he's stood by me this whole time, and admitted too, that he has "stuff" he has to fix, things we have to fix together, things we have to fix alone...

Anyway, I lost my job that I had moved up here for, in turn we lived in a trailer for a month, with loving in laws trying to keep my head sane letting me know that everything would be okay. I went insane living in a trailer, after knowing that I was the reason we were there, I just ran away. Tried to run away from it all.. Turns out, it didn't work. It all caught up to me.

A month later, I found out I was pregnant, again for the 3rd time, this is not something I wanted, something I planned. In fact, I even made an appt to not keep the baby. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the first time I stepped up and said "I made my bed, I need to lie in it" (no pun intended).. I quit my job at the advice of Josh seeing me so extremely stressed out dealing with the pregnancy, trying to get the kids in daycare, him to work, and then dealing with the shenanigans at work and not getting home till sometimes 11 at night... He insisted I quit and stay home with the girls. He would take care of me, he would take care of us...and he has and is doing a great job of trying to get us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves in too.. Again, I'm off track...

Me not working has definitely put a damper on our financial situation, especially after the job I had in Portland making around 40,000 a year.. Here we are again, living paycheck to paycheck, not paying some of our bills to pay other ones...you know the drill.

In November, I hit a pedestrian in a WalMart parking lot..yep that's right, me. It was possibly the worst night of my life, or at least one of them. I've never felt so horrible, so low, so HELPLESS. I didn't get a ticket, or charged with any lawbreaking.. (apparently you can run over people at WalMart because it's private property?) I went to the hospital to make sure she was alright..The lady I hit had a prostetic leg already, and needed attention for it..and to boot, I didn't have insurance. My insurance lapsed 1 week prior.. So three days ago, I get a letter in the mail, I'm being sued......................

My van got repossessed today. On my birthday. What a F$#@!*$ drag! I bawled, cussed, cried some more, and then kicked myself, mentally of course. These last few months have been hectic, more so than any I can remember. My faith has definitely been tested....

My real father and I (who I've always had a strained relationship with because of my step mom) had a disagreement in September as well. I hadn't talked to him since. Now I've gone years at a time without talking to him, but this time it was different. I have children now, who love their Papa. Children that I don't want to have miss out the way I did... My aunt convinced me that I needed to bury the hatchet and talk to him. Some things just aren't worth fighting over.. He called today to tell me Happy Birthday... I was waiting for it. I was going to be so mad if he didn't call, because there have been so many that he hasn't.. But he did. As my car was being towed away...... I couldn't answer the phone...it was dead. I had called my mother in law bawling to tell her we weren't going to make it for my birthday dinner because my van was being towed out of the driveway as we were speaking... My dad called her shortly after to tell her how bad he wanted to talk to me. She in tears as well, and told him what was going on.. My dad told her he would give me his extra car. He's signing the title over to me tomorrow. He's giving me his Ford Explorer. Just like that, without blinking an eye.... And I really don't know what to think of it all.. I told him he didn't have to do that, I know I probably don't deserve it. He told me that he would always love me, and always be there for me in any way he could.. I bawled some more.

Then I got off the phone with him. I had a voice mail. I checked it. It was my "other dad". The one who raised me, who also happens to be my uncle.. (yeah, that's a whole other blog..!).. We've always had kind of a strained relationship, he just never really understood me, and is so bullheaded and stuck in his ways, that he would never try. Well over the last year, he's actually gotten to know me. Has told me he's proud of me, has actually given me compliments that I never thought I would hear from him. We've got a really good relationship going on these days.. I made him cry on his birthday because I finally was adult enough to tell him how much him being there for me meant, and how it takes so much to be a father, and he was one of the best, and how I'm who I am today because of him..Well, he got even. He made me cry today. (there was a lot of crying from me today!) He couldn't get through, because again, my phone was dead.. So he sang Happy Birthday to me on my message.. there is nothing better than hearing "happy birthday dear apey" from a man that doesn't show his feelings...EVER. I saved the message.

So I guess the point of all this rambling is that it took me really hitting rock bottom to figure out what truly is important in life. I have a roof over my head, children who love me, a wonderful boyfriend, great parents, and people who are there for me if I need them. So what I have nothing to show for the fact that I'm 26 today. I've got two beautiful children (and one on the way!) the love of a great family and man.. who could ask for anything more?

Like my favorite father in law says " I am a turnip, you can't get blood from a turnip." Let the world try to drag me down.. I've got nowhere to go but UP!!!!!!!!

The Voices Within

2008-08-09T20:41:00.002-07:00

How do you negotiate the clamouring voices within? Get to know the different members of your inner committee by writing about each one of them (your bold self, your shy and timid self, your reflective self, your wounded self). Who exactly are these parts of yourself?

MySELF.
Me, who I am. Who is that? There are so many voices inside this head, sometimes I feel as if I'm going crazy. But then I realize, it's just that I'm in "tune" with all the women in my head. The mother, the child, the appeaser, the worrier, the self conscious, the angel, and the demon.

The mother in me. Wanting to make sure my children are well taken care of. Tucked in safely every night, with a warm meal in their belly. With manners, and no attitudes, and perfect children. Is there such a thing? I want what's best for my children, and sometimes, it's the death of my mental stability. I want them to have a perfect childhood, so much different than mine. I've tried to do my best to give them stability, physical and emotional, to grow strong as individuals, and as a family. The mother in me, puts my children before ANYTHING else, and sometimes I wonder if that's the best thing for them. I need to focus more on myself a little more, to be healthier and happier, to make them healthier and happier. Right? The mother in me, kisses the boo boos, and brushes the tangles. The mother in me, answers all those silly "why" questions, without really knowing why, but trying to make it make sense to a 6 year old... That's the mother in me.

The CHILD in me.
Is hurt. Hurting. Loved, but not healed. For so long, I thought I was doing so great at getting over my "emotional" childhood. Or as some might say "effed up childhood". Don't get me wrong. My parents, well, my mom and step dad treated me great. Most of the time. I had those moments where I didn't get a long with them, mostly as a teenager. My step dad, who was also my uncle (no, not incest..just a sticky situation).. He made sure I had what I needed. New school clothes, new sneakers for basketball, a basketball hoop, okay, so that wasn't needed, but you get the idea. He taught me how to ride a bike, and was there when I dove face first in to the pavement.. As I got older, I felt much resentment from him. I don't know why, and maybe it was me. Feeling resentment towards him.. After all, he was my father's brother, and the whole rest of the family wouldn't speak to him and my mom, so therefore, I didn't know my family. My dad gave up on me due to the tension between them all, and a step mom that urged him to "move on". I will never understand that. How do you "move on" from one of your children? How do you not call on birthdays' and Christmas? How do you NOT go to your own child's graduation? As you can see.. I've got a lot of issues in this CHILD that lives in my head.. and this is only the beginning. Things I deal with on a daily basis..that I've been trying to pretend aren't there, and that I'm healed and have moved on. I haven't, and has caused me to cause other's pain. The one who feels abandoned, with trust issues, with feeling the need to feel WANTED.. when I don't, I try to find ways to fix that, that aren't always healthy or 'good' ideas..

The child in me also yearns to stare at clouds, color on the sidewalk, and swing high amonst the trees. That part comes in handy when I feel overwhelmed by my "mom" persona that forgets to just let go and have fun and be carefree and blow my worry away with the bubbles in the wind.

THE PLEASER.
The pleaser in me.. Wants to make everybody happy at the same time. I go out of my way to make people happy, not stopping to realize, that very thing may be the cause of all my stress and worry. This voice in my head doesn't let me say "NO" when asked to do something I might necessarily not want too.

THE WORRIER.
I constantly worry about everything. Things I have no control over, things I do. Things I do. Things I've done or not done, or need to do. I am the classic-worry wart, and this part of my brain I can NEVER shut off. Thanks Grandma!

The Self Conscious..
DUH. Who doesn't have this "woman" in her head.. I need to lose weight, I need to be happy with myself, and there's always something that can be fixed.. Do I look fat in these pants? Are my teeth white enough? That voice will probably never go away.

And of course, The Angel and The Demon.

These two fight each other constantly in my head. Do this, this is the right thing. Don't do that. or "you know it's wrong, but do it anyway, live in the moment, don't think of the consequence".. Everybody has those voices.. It's which voice you choose to listen to that makes all the difference.

Those are just some of the women that live within me..

And I'm just learning how to REALLY deal with them all equally.

Selfish Nightmare

2008-08-09T20:41:00.001-07:00

this pit in my stomach won't go away
you're in my mind and there you'll stay.
you're like a disease, coming and going, and ruining my day
i feel better, and then i remember.

it's easy for you. turn it on, turn it off.
my mind twists and turns with what if's, and why.
i can't shut it off. i can't shut you out.
you're there. everywhere.
go away. leave me alone.

you selfish, selfish nightmare.

The Silence.

2008-08-09T20:35:00.001-07:00

I sit here by myself, realizing, I'm not alone, but I am. He's gone for the night. Only one night, but it already feels like it's been an eternity. I almost forgot to lock the door, actually, even close it. I had it open for the cool summer breeze, and went about cleaning up after the kids were in bed. And then I realized it was still open. he ALWAYS closes the door. He locks it up tight, to keep the unknowns out. He locks the cars, makes sure everything is shut up tight for the night. That's not my job. That's just what he does. And I've taken it for granted. The nights we sit here, together, but doing our own thing in silence, is comfort. Knowing he is across the room playing a video game, or fixing something, or even just getting ready for work. It's comfortable. And I'm UNCOMFORTABLE without him here with me tonight. I'm lonely... I didn't realize how much he completes me, even after him only being gone for 12 hours. I am here all day everyday with the kids by myself, but he comes home, and he comforts me in my sleep. If I fall asleep on the couch, he'll crash on the floor next to me, just to be there.. I didn't realize how much I love that. Until tonight, he's sleeping on a mountain top without me, and I'm here, with our family, minus daddy, left to make sure the doors are locked up tight, and everybody is safe. It's wierd. The silence of silence. I've got to remember to tell him just how much I love him. I need him, and he completes me. I am not whole without him by my side. For an hour, for a day.. for any time he is away. It's strange how the silence makes you think of things you sometimes forget or take for granted. This silence tonight is killing me. I can only imagine of him, laying on a mountain top, listening to the breeze, and the calming silence of nature, wishing I was there with him. That is what will get me through....The silence..