6 YEARS!

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

In the last week, I've had so much time to reflect. I've focused on my relationship, and how I almost let it slip away. Josh and I have been together for 6 years tomorrow! It's crazy, how time has flown by. We've made so many memories. We've laughed, and cried, and thrown things, and yelled, and every other emotion, we've experienced together. We've been through a lot. It's not easy to be in a relationship, it's not easy to be a parent, it's not easy to be a blended family. Yet somehow, we've managed to pull it off, and do it together. We've had some hard times. Financially and emotionally. But as I layed in bed last night thinking about tomorrow and the "anniversary" that it is, I really thought about how lucky I am. There are so many people out there that have been 'against' us. People who told him he'd be better off without me, people who've told me the same. We've got ex's to deal with, that we'll ALWAYS have to deal with, and that is no easy feat either. But we do it. And we LOVE to do it together. He makes me a better person. I am the yin to his yang, or the other way around. I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that we complete each other, more so than any one else has ever made me think about.

I tried to live without him, and I couldn't. I thought I'd "be better off"..but I'm not. I know that he's never felt that way, but I have a tendency (moreso than him) to shrink in to my manic state of depression, and be self destructive. He stands by my side, even when I've done the most self destructive of things. Even if it was geared towards him, or has affected him. He is there. And there's no doubt in my mind that he always will be.

He made a comment to me on the way home yesterday, and it struck deep. We were talking about the difference of small schools vs. big schools. And our exact conversation was about Elma vs. Oakville. We were following the bus home, more like, got stuck behind it. It was an Elma bus. I made the comment, well, if it comes all the way out here, my kids should have been able to go to Elma. I really wanted Ashley to go to kindergarten in Elma. But we live on the wrong side of the tracks for that! Josh said, "well, you don't want her to go there anyway. She's fine where she's at. Small schools are better anyway. I went to a small school, and I think I turned out great".. I chuckled, and said "well I went to a big one, and... " And I stopped at that sentence. And he grinned. And I said " go ahead say it, say how I turned out!" And he said, "you're turning out great with my help. by the time I'm done with you, you'll be the person you always wanted to be and are capable of being"... He was being sarcastic, but.....

It's so true. I'm not sure the small school vs. big school had anything to do with it. But then again it might have. It could also have to do with the dynamics of our family lives. His parents are STILL married. Mine, divorced, remarried, and divorced, remarried again. I'm sure MANY factors have to do with this.. but anyway... He is MUCH more confident than me. He has no hard time, saying how he feels. He is honest with himself. He had a closer circle of friends than me. And I think those are attributes of a kid that grew up in a small town where everybody knew everybody. In my town, everybody knew everybody, but only because they were a friend of a friend. It isn't MUCH bigger, but big enough to make a huge difference. He graduated with like 20 kids. I graduated with like 200.

Anyway, back to the point. His comment struck home. He has helped me become the person I want to be. He's helping me be more sure of myself. To tell people how I really feel. Not let them walk all over me. He's helped me to learn what being a "true friend" is. He's helped me discover my passions (and not just the sexual one, you perverts).. He makes me want to be a better person. To make him happy. To make MYSELF happy. He makes me a better parent. We are the perfect balance. Even when I was at my lowest point, he turned to me one night and said " I know why you did what you did, and I still love you".. I will never forget that night for as long as I live, or the dementia strikes, whichever comes first...

He is an amazing man. He provides for our family. He does what he can to get us through this crazy, tragic, magic, life. He is an AWESOME father to Ashley. He treats her as if she is his own. She might as well be!! He is the rock. He is MY ROCK. And I don't know how I ever lived without him by my side. It's been a crazy ride. Sure there are some things I'd like to change, or go back and "fix". But the truth is, we wouldn't be as strong as we are, if we hadn't gone through these things together.

so 6 years, and 2 kids later... I finally know where I'm supposed to be. And that's next to him for the rest of my life.

I love you Joshy. I don't tell you enough. But here you have it writing, for the whole wide web to see...

I am me, and you are you, and TOGETHER we are US!

There's no one, I would have rather smoked out the window at 4 am with.....

Happy 6 years!!!

Lattins!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Ashley Elaine Cox Ritter Terry

My child. She turned 7 last week. I don't even know where the time went. But everyday, she reminds me that she is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Getting pregnant with her changed my life in every way possible. It wasn't the greatest thing at the time, I was young, well 20, doesn't seem so young because I know so many younger ones, but to me it was. I didn't want children until I was out of college, independent, and married. I kind of do everything backwards, but that's just me. I got married, divorced, pregnant, then college. But anyway, back to the topic at hand. She has made me a better person, and given me the desire to be a GREAT example to her. I don't want her to do things the way I did, however, I'll not try to stop her, because I know how that turns out. I want to be her friend, I want her to trust me, and to know that she can come to me with ANY issue. She is so charismatic, loving, funny, talented, she will be a superstar someday. Not that she already isn't. But the girl has some talent, that will take her places, if we focus her energy positively. Never in a million years, would I have thought, that I would have a child that is so smart, witty, in tune with EVERYTHING around her, wise beyond her years, (and ears).. She catches me off guard more often than not, and definitely keeps me on my toes.

I was going through her backpack the other day, and took out her homework folder. Filing through the pages, looking at what she's learning, I happen to notice the name at the top of the page. It took up the whole length of the page.

ASHLEY ELAINE COX RITTER TERRY.

That's what it said.

For a while now, she's been telling me that's her name. Or when anyone asks her name, she gives them that speel. I walked across the kitchen and showed it to Josh. He just smiled. When you ask her why she says that's her name, she says , "Well my dad is a Cox, You are a Ritter, and Josh is a Terry. So I'm all 3!" It's quite hilarious, because she ends it with her cheesiest smile yet. I have tried to explain to her, that just because those are our last names, doesn't make it hers. She says " I know, but that's what I want it to be." I guess there's no stopping her. Once her minds made up, that's how she rolls! She says that once Josh and I get married, she'll take out the Ritter part, cause then I'll be a Terry and she won't need the Ritter. ;-)

So hurry up Josh, there's enough Ritter's in this world!!

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

From the Shallow End

I don't mean to be superficial, but let's face it, I am. And there's nothing like a presidential debate to remind me how deeply superficial. It's not that I don't hear what the candidates are saying, but I always begin by noticing what they're wearing, and whose shirt looks better, and of course, whose tie. I spent a great deal of the first debate upset about the way Obama's shirt fit too loosely around his neck, and I had quite a lot of fantasies about how to help him in this area. If I were married to him I assure you he never would have left the house in that shirt.
By the time tonight's debate was minutes old, I had decided that Obama had won. His shirt looked great, and his suit fit beautifully. This seemed important. He sat down in a chair that was basically unsittable and he looked fantastic. He loped around the stage, holding the microphone as if he'd been born with a silver one in his hand. Compare that to McCain: his jacket fit oddly and his way-too-wide tie was poking out of the bottom. He was unhealthy -- overweight and out-of-breath, almost gasping for air every five or six words. And he looked so stumpy and awkward walking around the stage that I couldn't imagine why he'd ever thought a Town Hall format would be good for him.
I feel a little guilty about all these shallow criteria, but not too guilty, because in some horrible way, these debates are really not about substance but trivia. We have been with these guys a long time, and we now know what they're going to say and how they're going to say it. McCain repeats himself way worse than Obama -- "my friends," "earmarks," etc. -- but both of them are guys we've been married to for a long time, and we know their stories. It's true I had no idea that McCain learned everything he knew from a chief petty officer, but that was about the extent of the surprises he had in store for me after all these years together, and in any case, it was clearly bullshit.
But the point I'm leading up to is that both candidates are good at what debates are now about -- not making a mistake. It's amazing that they spend ninety minutes on a stage discussing the burning issues of our time, and in the end it can boil down to a slip of the tongue, a moment that's perceived as over the line, a factual mistake that can be made into a "gotcha" moment.
McCain came close to making a mistake, and there will be a big deal made over his referring to Obama as "that one" because it was patronizing and revealing. But in the end that moment will seem like yet another misguided attempt at the sort of casual joke McCain fails to make work most of the time. If I were married to him, an unlikely scenario, we would probably have fought in the car on the way home tonight, because I told him a million times not to try to be funny, but he never listens to me.
And if I were married to Obama, another unlikely scenario but a far more attractive one, I would be driving home having a hard time not thinking about the curtains.

The Scarecrow

He wears velcro shoes,
And counts with his fingers.
He's definitely a Ginger!
When you see him you think Stranger Danger.
He talks to himself
And sometimes he answers.
Kinda funny he smells,
And when he's around, you're walking on eggshells.
Rearranging the spoons is what he does best,
Or counting the bowls to make sure ones not a miss.
Working with him can drive you insane,
Until you remember he's just like the scarecrow without a brain!



Does writing this make me the tin man without a heart?? *giggle*

In the middle

For the longest time I've waited, to be able to have a relationship with my youngest sister. For so many different reasons, it has never happened until now. My parents divorce was so nasty, that I didn't see my dad for almost 10 years, except for the most sporadic of occasions. Sometimes, I'd see him at Christmas, sometimes, I'd get a call for my birthday, stuff like that. And rarely, I'd be able to see my sister who is 10 years younger than me.
Now, with the wonder of the internet combined with the fact that she's finally 18 and can make her own decisions to see me, we've been able to keep in touch, get together, and start to do "sisterly things".. It's been great. I love getting to know her, and her getting to know my children.
In the last couple of days, my dad had been calling. Leaving messages for me to call him back. The last one it was an "emergency". So I called one night before heading to a soccer game. His emergency was "are you with me or against me?".. Now him and my step mom are divorced, and they are having custody/child support issues. I won't get in to them here, but do you see a pattern in just the little bit I've written?
They apparently go to court next week, and he has the balls to ask me if I'm with him or against him. I grew a pair, and told him, I'm not on anyone's side. I'm on MY side. I'm not getting in the middle of their issues, to make it yet another issue to not be able to have a relationship with my sister. Her and her mom are pretty close, so I'm assuming, if I was "with him".. I'd be "against them". It's crap. And I can't believe he had the gall to call me and ask me that. And to say it was an emergency!!! He said he wanted to know what he could and couldn't tell me. Like I'm going to run to the closest loudspeaker and shout to the world what he tells me.. I could care less about their issues. My only issue is that I'm getting to know my sister, and nobody is going to stop me. He didn't like what I had to say. He started yelling at me. Told me I hurt his feelings, and that he couldn't believe I wasn't "on his side."
It really bothers me, that he would even attempt to put me in this position. To make me choose. After him not being there for me for so many years, I'm supposed to put all that aside, and just be on his side? Are you kidding me?
Maybe there's a reason people start to abandon him. Maybe there's a reason he wasn't in my life. It's made me a stronger (yet somewhat emotionally issued) person. I'm able to see the whole picture instead of just the little one staring me in the face. How dare he? I just don't even know what to say.
I feel bad for him, and want to be there for him. But not if he's going to try and put me in the middle...