6 YEARS!

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

In the last week, I've had so much time to reflect. I've focused on my relationship, and how I almost let it slip away. Josh and I have been together for 6 years tomorrow! It's crazy, how time has flown by. We've made so many memories. We've laughed, and cried, and thrown things, and yelled, and every other emotion, we've experienced together. We've been through a lot. It's not easy to be in a relationship, it's not easy to be a parent, it's not easy to be a blended family. Yet somehow, we've managed to pull it off, and do it together. We've had some hard times. Financially and emotionally. But as I layed in bed last night thinking about tomorrow and the "anniversary" that it is, I really thought about how lucky I am. There are so many people out there that have been 'against' us. People who told him he'd be better off without me, people who've told me the same. We've got ex's to deal with, that we'll ALWAYS have to deal with, and that is no easy feat either. But we do it. And we LOVE to do it together. He makes me a better person. I am the yin to his yang, or the other way around. I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that we complete each other, more so than any one else has ever made me think about.

I tried to live without him, and I couldn't. I thought I'd "be better off"..but I'm not. I know that he's never felt that way, but I have a tendency (moreso than him) to shrink in to my manic state of depression, and be self destructive. He stands by my side, even when I've done the most self destructive of things. Even if it was geared towards him, or has affected him. He is there. And there's no doubt in my mind that he always will be.

He made a comment to me on the way home yesterday, and it struck deep. We were talking about the difference of small schools vs. big schools. And our exact conversation was about Elma vs. Oakville. We were following the bus home, more like, got stuck behind it. It was an Elma bus. I made the comment, well, if it comes all the way out here, my kids should have been able to go to Elma. I really wanted Ashley to go to kindergarten in Elma. But we live on the wrong side of the tracks for that! Josh said, "well, you don't want her to go there anyway. She's fine where she's at. Small schools are better anyway. I went to a small school, and I think I turned out great".. I chuckled, and said "well I went to a big one, and... " And I stopped at that sentence. And he grinned. And I said " go ahead say it, say how I turned out!" And he said, "you're turning out great with my help. by the time I'm done with you, you'll be the person you always wanted to be and are capable of being"... He was being sarcastic, but.....

It's so true. I'm not sure the small school vs. big school had anything to do with it. But then again it might have. It could also have to do with the dynamics of our family lives. His parents are STILL married. Mine, divorced, remarried, and divorced, remarried again. I'm sure MANY factors have to do with this.. but anyway... He is MUCH more confident than me. He has no hard time, saying how he feels. He is honest with himself. He had a closer circle of friends than me. And I think those are attributes of a kid that grew up in a small town where everybody knew everybody. In my town, everybody knew everybody, but only because they were a friend of a friend. It isn't MUCH bigger, but big enough to make a huge difference. He graduated with like 20 kids. I graduated with like 200.

Anyway, back to the point. His comment struck home. He has helped me become the person I want to be. He's helping me be more sure of myself. To tell people how I really feel. Not let them walk all over me. He's helped me to learn what being a "true friend" is. He's helped me discover my passions (and not just the sexual one, you perverts).. He makes me want to be a better person. To make him happy. To make MYSELF happy. He makes me a better parent. We are the perfect balance. Even when I was at my lowest point, he turned to me one night and said " I know why you did what you did, and I still love you".. I will never forget that night for as long as I live, or the dementia strikes, whichever comes first...

He is an amazing man. He provides for our family. He does what he can to get us through this crazy, tragic, magic, life. He is an AWESOME father to Ashley. He treats her as if she is his own. She might as well be!! He is the rock. He is MY ROCK. And I don't know how I ever lived without him by my side. It's been a crazy ride. Sure there are some things I'd like to change, or go back and "fix". But the truth is, we wouldn't be as strong as we are, if we hadn't gone through these things together.

so 6 years, and 2 kids later... I finally know where I'm supposed to be. And that's next to him for the rest of my life.

I love you Joshy. I don't tell you enough. But here you have it writing, for the whole wide web to see...

I am me, and you are you, and TOGETHER we are US!

There's no one, I would have rather smoked out the window at 4 am with.....

Happy 6 years!!!