It's weird. I always feel like I'm doing some sort of damage control inside myself. I have so many thoughts that race through my mind at any given time. I am a daydreamer, with constant reminders of the nightmares, and daydreams that have been my life. I got an email this morning, that really put a lot of things in to perspective for me. On what a "bad" person I was in the past. Not necessarily bad in the way you would think, but on not doing what was best for me, and always taking the easy way out, or not thoroughly thinking through my rash decisions, that have become my history. It's strange how as a person, or somewhat of an "adult" when I was on my own after high school, newly married with a husband on the other side of the world, doing his civic duty, I never really thought long term. I have always been the kind of person to make rash decisions, without looking forward, at what the consequences might be. I do now, more as a person, only because I became a mom, and I have more to worry about than just myself. But I still have struggled with doing what is "right". I have a tendency to look for things outside of my natural environment to fix things..instead of sticking it out and fixing them and barreling through the hard times. Especially in regard to my sexuality. I know that most people would call my problem "the daddy syndrome".. you know, you don't have a dad, or a father figure who treats you normal, so you always are looking for that love. Most of the time in all the wrong places. For me, my body had never been a sanctuary. If I was taught that as a child, I sure don't remember it. It is one of the things I go out of my way, to make sure that my girls remember and know. That THEY are important for so many reasons besides the "beauty" outside. In the last couple of years, I've been searching for that ability to be comfortable with who I am inside and out. Whether other people like me or not, has always been one of my downfalls. It's not that I go out of my way to make other people like me, but I've always been constantly worried about what others think. Until I got pregnant with Logan. It was a huge eye opener for me, when it wasn't just ME that I had to think about. It's no secret, (thanks to the small town I live in, and the wonderful world of blogging and internet) that I didn't know who Logan's dad was. (Now doesn't that sound like something you would see on Montel or Maury? Well, that's kind of what it was like, except I knew it was one of two possibilities, not like 25 or something like most of those women!) Instead of hiding it, or pretending that I was ok with that fact, I took the situation head on, and faced it with a strength I didn't have before. I never believed more in my life, that if "God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". And He did. Stronger, and more capable of being ME than ever before. I had finally faced my inner demons, and wasn't worried about what other people thought. The only thing I was worried about, was having a healthy, happy baby boy. And I did! And he's been nothing but a blessing to me, and to our family. He's brought Josh and I closer than ever before..because going through that alone, would have been tough, but I didn't have too. Josh was by my side, every step of the way and then some. ..
Anyway, it's just eye opening to look back on some of the crazy, STUPID, inconsiderate things I have done in my life. Never really thinking about who I might be hurting, just that I was. I needed to numb myself, and by removing myself mentally from the situation, I was able to pull a lot of it off without ever looking back. Except I did. I looked back. I look back everyday, and think, "what if"? What if, I had never become a mom? Would I still be in self destructo mode? (and it's not that I'm 100% free of this issue, I just am more aware of it and cautious now).. What if I had thought about who I was hurting, instead of being selfish, and wanting ME to be happy? What if I hadn't ruined my marriage to my high school sweetheart? What if I had put myself in someone else's shoes, instead of walking 5 miles in my self proclaimed misery? I know that everything happens for a reason, and obviously, if I hadn't made the decisions I had, I wouldn't be where I am today, and mostly by that, I mean I wouldn't have the children I do. And they are what is most important in my life. Obviously we all know that everything happens for a reason, but it would be so great, if at that time, we knew what that reason was. I have tried, and am still trying to be a better person, to set a good example for those little minions I call my offspring. Because I want more for them. I don't want them to experience the heartbreak I have, the disappointment, the resentment, the hostility that I held inside for so long. Sometimes I think, that I've experienced all this for no good reason at all, but I know deep down, that just by being vocal about it all, that somebody out there will understand too, and maybe just maybe, that's why.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my life has been horrible at all, by any means. I am really lucky to have lived the life I have. Sometimes I wish it just wasn't so hard, and that I could go back and erase the hurt I have caused. To go back and make it right. But I can't. So I won't. I just go on, and pay it forward. I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday, and even better the next. And by confronting my demons, that's the first step, isn't it? Well, maybe the second, after denial of course!!
(and now that I have went back and read that, it doesn't all necessarily make sense to me, but oh well, isn't that what Blogging is all about? To get it OUT there?)
