New Chapter

Lately I've felt a new wave of emotions that has come over me like a tidal wave. I would like to think that it's because Josh finally proposed, and it's like starting a new chapter. But I really don't think that is the reason. I believe that we've just reached a new threshold. We've been through so much in the last 3 years, that it's unbelievable we've made it this far, and overcome all adversity. A big part of me was starting to become remorseful, resentful, and just unhappy. I felt like we were just treading water. We were both unhappy, angry and upset at each other for so many different reasons. We've had a couple of big blow outs, at one point, he moved out. That was a huge eye opener for both of us. We realized that isn't what we wanted, and our family was the most important part of our lives. That neither of us REALLY wanted to be apart from each other. I think that time, just opened up some different lines of communication that we forgot existed. We've both hurt each other, in different ways, but we realized that the most important thing was that we love each other. If we'd made it through all the other rough patches (some that were much rougher than others), then why were we giving up so easily?
So we went to counseling, we learned to TALK to each other. One thing I'm constantly working on, is to not get so defensive all the time. It's one of my biggest downfalls of my personality. I've been that way my whole life for many different reasons, and it's just my natural reaction to take offense to things he says, whether they are directed towards me or not. He may just make a general statement, and I will think it's directed at me. That's been huge. And sometimes, he just needs to tell me to knock it off, and I'll snap out of it and realize what I'm doing. It's subconsciously, and sometimes I can't help it. So I'm working on being better about that. Anyway, in our new found form of communication, we realized that besides just loving each other, we really can tell each other anything. He is my best friend, and if I lost that, I just wouldn't be whole. I lost my best friend once before, and there's no way I'm going to lose Josh. He knows my inner most secrets, some of which are more hurtful to him then to me. But he continues to love me and ALL of my downfalls.
I grew resentful after being together for 6 years and him not being divorced. I did things to sabotage our relationship, whether I realized it or not, because taking that long really had it's emotional toll on me. Just him finalizing the divorce in the last few months has been a huge weight lifted off of both of our shoulders. More so then I ever really thought. I knew it affected us both, but not as much as it truly did. So we've moved on to a new chapter.
And just being not so selfish emotionally has had a huge difference in both of our lives. He has a hard time showing his emotions verbally. So while I know that he loves me, or that he was mad at me, he would just bottle it up, where as I have a hard time with physical emotion. It's not common practice for me to take him aside and just give him a hug and tell him I love him. I show love by doing things for the ones I love, not ever thinking that just saying I love you, or giving a hug sometimes means so much more. So while he's been working on just telling me how he feels, I've been working on not being so defensive about it, and showing the emotion I feel. It's made a huge difference in our relationship, that I've noticed, and it feels like we've finally reached a new level, not just idling by.
It's just nice knowing that we've reached that next chapter, and we really are intent on spending the rest of our lives together, and that we've worked so hard to make it to this point. We've been through more in our last 7 years together, then some couples go through in a lifetime, and we've made it..It's been hard, but we did it. And I'm looking forward more to the rest of my life then I ever have. I'm excited for what's to come, and having him spend it by my side. He is my rock and my strength, and I really don't know how I would ever do it without him.
He made a comment to me last night that really just put it all in to perspective. He said "We've had some bad times, but the times in between those times have been so good and full of laughter and smiles, that it makes it all worth while"... or something like that.
And those are my thoughts too. It's a great time in our lives, and I'm happy we've made it this far!!!