Fare Thee Well

Baby No More..

I knew it. I JUST knew it. I knew, the second I cut his hair off, and yes, those precious little curls, that my baby would be gone..


It's strange. His haircut has made him a completely different kid. Like Lauryn with her hearing, she's not the same quiet, loving kid. No she's more like an extremely opinionated, outspoken little girl now. Anyway, this blog is about Logan, not Lauryn.

His hair chopping session was great. I was getting tired of chasing him around the house trying to brush it to make him appear somewhat of a well taken care of child. Not like the ragamuffin he is.. =) I was getting tired of the snot in his bangs and then crusting to his head. I didn't want to get rid of the curls, but the last time we tried that, he ended up with a mullet.


A mullet that was somewhat unnoticeable to most, but to others, he somewhat resembled Joe Dirt in his younger years.





So I did it. Saturday, I took him in and said, I want it all chopped off. She showed me this super cute picture of a style that I really liked, where it was still kind of long on top, but short in the back, and it could be styled. Needless to say, that didn't happen. Logan was deathly afraid of the short little Asian woman coming at him with scissors in hand. He clung to me for dear life, and screamed like a banshee. A tone he's seemed to perfect lately.






See he wasn't happy.


He had to sit on my lap, and she just started chopping. I thought she knew what she was doing at first, but I think she was more worried about getting it over with than actually getting the style I wanted. Oh well. It's just hair right?
After a bit, he calmed down, and let her cut the rest of it.
But look at those curls, and how long it was in the back. WHAT WAS I THINKING??






And here he is all done..

My little man, now runs around the house screaming when he wants things, throwing fits, and has MUCH more attitude than he did before. I'm sure alot of it has to do with age, since he just hit the 18 month mark on Christmas. He's officially a waddler.. not an infant, and not quite toddler yet.. but man..
















Watch out world, he is baby no more..

Manners anyone?

I've never wanted to punch so many people in the face all at one time as I did last night. We went to Zoolights, and I imagine part of the chaos is because of the crazy weather we'd been having and so many people missed out attending during the actual season, and everyone thought it was the last night. Little do most people know that it's open until next weekend.. (just a little FYI). Anyway, it was the only night that all 3 of us, my mom, my sister and I, would be able to make it at the same time. So we went and took just the girls.

It was insane! People are so rude. Never mind you're trying to take a picture, I'm just going to walk right in front of you, and STOP. Or forget you have 2 little ones with you, I'm going to PUSH you out of the way and trample on your kids at the same time.

What happened to the days when vacationers, or sightseers, were actually encouraged to take a picture? Remember when people would OFFER to take a picture of your whole family for you, so the odd man out taking the picture wasn't always missing? I kid you not, last night, people were pushing people to get out of the way to get a picture in the infamous Zoolights Circle.



We didn't push anybody. We patiently waited our turn..and look, MOM IS MISSING!! Nobody offered to take our picture...

Then there were the kids that nobody paid attention too. Like the 12-13 year olds running around practically knocking my kid down on every turn. There was no real chance to stop and actually ENJOY looking at the lights with the kids, because the "big kids" were so busy rushing through and crowding everyone out of the way. It was so crowded.. I got whacked in the vajayjay (as Oprah would say) with a glow in the dark sword that made attack noises by some kid who was frantically swinging it this way and that. And all his dad said was "I TOLD YOU TO WATCH WHERE YOU WERE SWINGING THAT THING".. My mom made the comment, "he probably was watching where he was swinging it".. lol.

I have a LOT of patience. Sometimes too much. My sister on the other hand has NONE. She made a comment to my mom and I about the lady who practically stopped in the middle of our picture pose of the girls, and the lady turned around and stared at her. I thought we might have had WWF right there at the zoo. I was waiting for it, really, I was.

Seriously, I just don't know what happened to courtesy, manners, and being polite in public. No wonder the kids these days have none.. Their parents don't either!!!
We made it through the night though, no black eyes, bruises or missing teeth, (besides Ashley's of course).. so I guess it was alright. I think next year, we'll go on a Wednesday...

SNOW!!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm getting sick of the snow. Not so much the snow I guess, but the cabin fever that associates itself with the snow and being stuck on a hill that is packed in ice and NO WAY OUT. I guess I could walk, but where would I walk too? The town is pretty much shut down too. I thought about walking out to catch the bus to Olytown, so I could finish my Christmas shopping, but that idea got sunk along with my good mood!



I'm getting kind of down and out because my shopping isn't done, but then I try to remind myself, that the Holidays aren't about presents, and that's what I've been trying so desperately to teach my kids this Christmas, but I'm THE ONE who wants to buy them the presents! I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if other people weren't so caught up in how much they are spending, or not spending!! We've had a great time in the snow, being snowed in, sledding down our hill in to the neighbors yard,

sipping Hot Cocoa, power outages, Monopoly games, baking cookies, taking walks, playing video games, and watching Christmas movies. So we really are making memories, but I want OUT!!

The Trees that were smoking and sparking over the power lines this morning. It took out our power.

EVEN THE PUD TRUCK GOT STUCK!

I think I'm going a little bit crazy. I've run out of things to do/play.. and then my mind starts wandering. I've been watching my oldest who is very disappointed because she missed her Fiesta at school, and now she's missed her Christmas parties with her other half of the family because of the snow and ice, and missing her dad. She's fine until she talks to him, and then she realizes she's unhappy about it. I try to remind her that she's lucky to have family around her right now, ( I KNOW, I should take my own advice).. and I tell her that I know how she feels. I remember many holidays/birthdays that I didn't get to spend with my dad. Mostly because he was selfish...which is kind of the same scenario for Ashley. I remind her how lucky she is that her dad calls her, and WANTS to spend time with her (even if it is for his own selfish reasons).. my dad didn't even bother. I remember when he didn't call, write, or even send a birthday card. So I KNOW how she feels.. but I know it still hurts. So I've been trying desperately to keep all 5 kids occupied. To keep their little minds busy..and it keeps my mind distracted for the most part.. I just don't know. I love this snow, but I HATE being trapped here. I feel like I'm in a cage, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like knowing that I can't go anywhere.. although, it is warming up, and there might be a chance that my driveway will melt long enough for me to get out.. fat chance, but it's my only Christmas Wish...

My Driveway.

Better Man...

It's weird. I always feel like I'm doing some sort of damage control inside myself. I have so many thoughts that race through my mind at any given time. I am a daydreamer, with constant reminders of the nightmares, and daydreams that have been my life. I got an email this morning, that really put a lot of things in to perspective for me. On what a "bad" person I was in the past. Not necessarily bad in the way you would think, but on not doing what was best for me, and always taking the easy way out, or not thoroughly thinking through my rash decisions, that have become my history. It's strange how as a person, or somewhat of an "adult" when I was on my own after high school, newly married with a husband on the other side of the world, doing his civic duty, I never really thought long term. I have always been the kind of person to make rash decisions, without looking forward, at what the consequences might be. I do now, more as a person, only because I became a mom, and I have more to worry about than just myself. But I still have struggled with doing what is "right". I have a tendency to look for things outside of my natural environment to fix things..instead of sticking it out and fixing them and barreling through the hard times. Especially in regard to my sexuality. I know that most people would call my problem "the daddy syndrome".. you know, you don't have a dad, or a father figure who treats you normal, so you always are looking for that love. Most of the time in all the wrong places. For me, my body had never been a sanctuary. If I was taught that as a child, I sure don't remember it. It is one of the things I go out of my way, to make sure that my girls remember and know. That THEY are important for so many reasons besides the "beauty" outside. In the last couple of years, I've been searching for that ability to be comfortable with who I am inside and out. Whether other people like me or not, has always been one of my downfalls. It's not that I go out of my way to make other people like me, but I've always been constantly worried about what others think. Until I got pregnant with Logan. It was a huge eye opener for me, when it wasn't just ME that I had to think about. It's no secret, (thanks to the small town I live in, and the wonderful world of blogging and internet) that I didn't know who Logan's dad was. (Now doesn't that sound like something you would see on Montel or Maury? Well, that's kind of what it was like, except I knew it was one of two possibilities, not like 25 or something like most of those women!) Instead of hiding it, or pretending that I was ok with that fact, I took the situation head on, and faced it with a strength I didn't have before. I never believed more in my life, that if "God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". And He did. Stronger, and more capable of being ME than ever before. I had finally faced my inner demons, and wasn't worried about what other people thought. The only thing I was worried about, was having a healthy, happy baby boy. And I did! And he's been nothing but a blessing to me, and to our family. He's brought Josh and I closer than ever before..because going through that alone, would have been tough, but I didn't have too. Josh was by my side, every step of the way and then some. ..
Anyway, it's just eye opening to look back on some of the crazy, STUPID, inconsiderate things I have done in my life. Never really thinking about who I might be hurting, just that I was. I needed to numb myself, and by removing myself mentally from the situation, I was able to pull a lot of it off without ever looking back. Except I did. I looked back. I look back everyday, and think, "what if"? What if, I had never become a mom? Would I still be in self destructo mode? (and it's not that I'm 100% free of this issue, I just am more aware of it and cautious now).. What if I had thought about who I was hurting, instead of being selfish, and wanting ME to be happy? What if I hadn't ruined my marriage to my high school sweetheart? What if I had put myself in someone else's shoes, instead of walking 5 miles in my self proclaimed misery? I know that everything happens for a reason, and obviously, if I hadn't made the decisions I had, I wouldn't be where I am today, and mostly by that, I mean I wouldn't have the children I do. And they are what is most important in my life. Obviously we all know that everything happens for a reason, but it would be so great, if at that time, we knew what that reason was. I have tried, and am still trying to be a better person, to set a good example for those little minions I call my offspring. Because I want more for them. I don't want them to experience the heartbreak I have, the disappointment, the resentment, the hostility that I held inside for so long. Sometimes I think, that I've experienced all this for no good reason at all, but I know deep down, that just by being vocal about it all, that somebody out there will understand too, and maybe just maybe, that's why.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my life has been horrible at all, by any means. I am really lucky to have lived the life I have. Sometimes I wish it just wasn't so hard, and that I could go back and erase the hurt I have caused. To go back and make it right. But I can't. So I won't. I just go on, and pay it forward. I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday, and even better the next. And by confronting my demons, that's the first step, isn't it? Well, maybe the second, after denial of course!!

(and now that I have went back and read that, it doesn't all necessarily make sense to me, but oh well, isn't that what Blogging is all about? To get it OUT there?)

Headache Holidays

I did it. I survived another Turkey Day. Turkey day for me, most years turns out to be some drastic, melodramatic day, this year it was bearable.

I always dread this time of year. I start to think about my marriage that failed, Thanksgiving Night for good of 2000.. It was pretty much already in the toilet at that point, but some days, just get marked as "the one", or "the last time". That was my worst Thanksgiving ever. I caught my husband in bed, doing only God knows what in my own house, while I tried to sleep in the next room waiting for him to come to bed. Now, another thing that only God knows too (and you if you've been one of the privileged to know all or most of my secrets) that I was not innocent in my marriage either. But to find what I did, horrified my existence. Broke trust I had, and really have never gotten back. But that being said, I've moved on.

And 2 Turkey Day's ago, I ran over a lady in a parking lot. Now pick that chin back up, I didn't REALLY run her over. It was a last minute stop at WalMart, (the devil chain store).. I needed to get Josh some rain gear, because the weather had been really crappy. Anyway, this lady, I sware on all of me, had to have jumped out in front of me.. If you've ever been to WalMart, and odds are there's a pretty good chance you have been, you've seen those crazy pedestrians. Heck, I've been one of those crazy pedestrians. I sware, they think they own the road... Well, long story short, I hit one of them, who also already happened to have a prostetic leg..

Now I know you want to hit me with all the jokes you can, but I'm pretty sure I've already heard them all! (you couldn't have hit a pedestrian who wasn't already disabled?, you had to take out a slow one?) things like that, never get old. But she wasn't slow, in fact, I'm pretty sure I was the victim of a scam, but the lady had the wrong target. She recently has stated that she wants 50,000 from me to cover the cost of damages.. keep in mind, that I was not cited with a traffic violation, nor hauled to jail, nor is it even on my driving record. (did you know that WalMart parking lots are considered private property?).... I don't think she realized that even white trash with no money can drive nice vehicles... ;-)


Anyway, that was another Turkey Day mishap.. Just to name a few. The major ones of late anyway.. I just dread it. Having split families never makes holidays fun. It's always a headache. And that time of the year as I like to call them the Headache Holidays, are officially here. But I survived the first one.

I let go of the issues, the pain, the feelings of resentment, and also of remorse. I've been doing a lot of self healing lately.. (I have to, the insurance won't pay for it, lol) I've taken responsibility for my actions, I've become aware of my weaknesses, and also my strengths in the same respect. I will not NOT enjoy my existance, because others are negative assholes..

I've let go. and moved on. I remembered to remind myself that I am in control of my feelings and emotions. I've learned that the pain I've felt has all been real, and to talk about it so freely, means that I have let it go, I don't let it control me. At least I'm trying.

I've realized that I have a love that has withstood so many trials and tribulations. And for that I am thankful. For my love, and my family, and the love of my family, is all I need.. even if it is a bit dysfunctional at times. I just have to remember to practice my deep breathing and I will make it through the Headache Holidays...

10 Rules for Being Human

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.