Unexpected

This is an old post..brought back for many reasons...


Have you ever seen someone that you weren't expecting to see? Has it ever made you feel like you could throw up right then and there? This happened to me yesterday, and I was not at all prepared. I saw someone who I haven't seen in years. Someone who was everything to me. Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Someone who meant everything to me, and I to him. But possibly, never could have meant anything to him at all. This person held my heart on a string, and destroyed all trust I ever had in anyone close to me. Someone I was not prepared to see.Someone who for more than 10 years, was my best friend. Someone who with just a look can go right to your gut. And this is what happened. It's crazy how a trip to the grocery store can alter your whole day, and possibly, the rest of your existence. This person, was my ex-husband. And for those of you close enough to me, you probably already knew that. And I was not prepared. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. But he's home for his brother's graduation. And I should've expected to run into him in this small town. But I didn't think it would be like that. He walked into the store while I was in the checkout, and just gave me a look that said everything. And all the pain and suffering I've been through came rushing through me like a 10 ton truck. I was not prepared for the feelings I had. I felt like I was going to lose it right there. And I was fine, until I got home. And then I lost it, in my loved ones arms. And he knew I was not all right. And it threw him for a loop, until I explained that those feelings were not of love, or lust, or even like. It was hurt, and pain. Pain that I thought I had dealt with. That apparently, I had made alright in my head, but not in my heart. See, me, who always counsels everyone else, thought that she could counsel herself. Make the hurt go away, and I thought I had done just that. But out of sight, out of mind, is more true than I ever imagined. And I admitted that I need to seek counseling to get over this. And my SOther, agreed, and admitted that he has his own demons that he needs to deal with as well. And he told me that if we are going to enter into a marriage, we both need to be "fixed" and stable enough that our marriage will survive through it all. We've both had a previous marriage. And I agreed. And it's something I am going to start next week. See, about 4 years ago, I caught this man in bed with my little sister, who was 16 at the time, on Thanksgiving Day. (Gives you a whole lot to be thankful for!) Someone who I trusted more than anything, betrayed me with someone so close to me, that I really haven't trusted since. And I sought counseling for a while, and I thought I was okay. Apparently, I'm not. I never thought I would have these kind of feelings run through me. I was not prepared. And I just sobbed and sobbed, while Joshua held me and told me everything would be okay. It's so nice to have not only a lover and a partner, but also a best friend. Someone who is stuck in a very hard place to deal with those kind of emotions running through me, but also understands where they come from. And is there for me, instead of running away because I had these emotions. I was not okay yesterday, I was a mess, and today it's better, but the tears are still there. I was not prepared for this emotional rollercoaster to run away with me on it. But I will get through this. Admitting, that I who is always "fixing" everyone else, need to fix myself. And today, is a new beginning. By admitting that I still harbor this pain inside, is the first step. I am going to get through this a bigger and stronger person. And I believe that by having this happen to me, is just what I needed to make me seek the help that I need. I need to get it out, and I need to talk about it, instead of holding it all inside. I need to learn to forgive...and forget. And this is another journey that I will begin, that will have a happy ever after. And it will make me a better person..and a healthier person. And a happier person, and I can begin the journey of the rest of my life with the one I love so dearly, as a clear and level headed individual, who won't break down in the grocery store! I will overcome!~

Girl Next Door

She's lost in all the pain
Trapped somewhere going insane
She needs a sign
Some kind of reassurance that
Everything will be fine
Living in a world of tears,
She has no hopes, just fears
Her soul is scarred and shattered
She cant soar through life
Because her wings are weak and tattered
No one has ever told her that they care,
She's reaching out, but no one's there
Most days are a burden
Ans she wonders when the hurting will end
She feels so forlorn, with no one there to comprehend,
She longs for love, someone to take her away
Or just someone to live for everyday
Because she's tired of this feeling,
She's tired of emptiness while she's healing
She tries over and over again to be stronger
But every time the period of pain gets longer
Even though she tries to hold them back, Her tears keep rolling streaking her cheeks black
As she tastes them dying on her lips.
Her heart tears and rips
Her whole world is falling apart,
But her smile hides her broken heart.
Her laughter hides her feelings,
That are still true.

Who is this girl?

She could be the girl sitting next to you...

Blood from a turnip

Well, today was my birthday. A day for reflection, a day of dreaming, a day of hope. For me, it was a day of so much....emotion. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been on this ride a few times in my life, but this time, I've flown right off the track.

So much has happened, so much has changed, and there aren't enough words to describe how I feel. For the longest time, I didn't think I had an "addictive" personality. In some ways, I still feel that way. I've never been an alcoholic, I've never been a druggie, I've always been able to indulge in such things at my will and stop when I wanted too. I quit smoking 4 times, that says something right? LOL.. This time for good, and it's been over 4 months now. Of course, I never really was a "smoker". I'm a social addict. I would smoke cigs when I drank with friends, or at work when I needed a break. I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, (my family always thought so). Sure I've done my share of things, who hasn't? But today I had a very huge awakening. Something in me that all clicked and made sense. And I've always known it, just didn't ever admit it to myself. But tonight I said it out loud...it all became real.

Now, I said I've never been an addict, I guess, just not the websters dictionary version of an addict. At least not in the way I would categorize it. But I realized, I was doing things to make myself numb. TO forget, to forgive, to just not think about stuff... And I realized today, that I am in the position I'm in because of marijuana. I haven't used in months in fact, since September I haven't touched the stuff, and have no intention too. I quit long before I got pregnant because I wanted too. I didn't go to treatment, I didn't get counseling, I just quit. I had a life changing experience because I had been using, and it changed my whole life...and I'm still feeling the shockwaves of it. I lost out on a really good job because of it. I went looking for other jobs, and found myself working for a cocky, egotistical maniac that I went to school with, because I needed a job. Then I lost the only thing that I thought had kept me strong for so long...but the truth is, I pushed it away.

I would smoke to numb my thoughts, to hide my anger, my frustration, my irritation, my childhood secrets, my insane family..I made myself numb. And in a sense, I was an addict, I just didn't know it. In turn of losing so much, I've gained a lot because of it. I didn't lose Josh thank GOD, he's stood by me this whole time, and admitted too, that he has "stuff" he has to fix, things we have to fix together, things we have to fix alone...

Anyway, I lost my job that I had moved up here for, in turn we lived in a trailer for a month, with loving in laws trying to keep my head sane letting me know that everything would be okay. I went insane living in a trailer, after knowing that I was the reason we were there, I just ran away. Tried to run away from it all.. Turns out, it didn't work. It all caught up to me.

A month later, I found out I was pregnant, again for the 3rd time, this is not something I wanted, something I planned. In fact, I even made an appt to not keep the baby. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the first time I stepped up and said "I made my bed, I need to lie in it" (no pun intended).. I quit my job at the advice of Josh seeing me so extremely stressed out dealing with the pregnancy, trying to get the kids in daycare, him to work, and then dealing with the shenanigans at work and not getting home till sometimes 11 at night... He insisted I quit and stay home with the girls. He would take care of me, he would take care of us...and he has and is doing a great job of trying to get us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves in too.. Again, I'm off track...

Me not working has definitely put a damper on our financial situation, especially after the job I had in Portland making around 40,000 a year.. Here we are again, living paycheck to paycheck, not paying some of our bills to pay other ones...you know the drill.

In November, I hit a pedestrian in a WalMart parking lot..yep that's right, me. It was possibly the worst night of my life, or at least one of them. I've never felt so horrible, so low, so HELPLESS. I didn't get a ticket, or charged with any lawbreaking.. (apparently you can run over people at WalMart because it's private property?) I went to the hospital to make sure she was alright..The lady I hit had a prostetic leg already, and needed attention for it..and to boot, I didn't have insurance. My insurance lapsed 1 week prior.. So three days ago, I get a letter in the mail, I'm being sued......................

My van got repossessed today. On my birthday. What a F$#@!*$ drag! I bawled, cussed, cried some more, and then kicked myself, mentally of course. These last few months have been hectic, more so than any I can remember. My faith has definitely been tested....

My real father and I (who I've always had a strained relationship with because of my step mom) had a disagreement in September as well. I hadn't talked to him since. Now I've gone years at a time without talking to him, but this time it was different. I have children now, who love their Papa. Children that I don't want to have miss out the way I did... My aunt convinced me that I needed to bury the hatchet and talk to him. Some things just aren't worth fighting over.. He called today to tell me Happy Birthday... I was waiting for it. I was going to be so mad if he didn't call, because there have been so many that he hasn't.. But he did. As my car was being towed away...... I couldn't answer the phone...it was dead. I had called my mother in law bawling to tell her we weren't going to make it for my birthday dinner because my van was being towed out of the driveway as we were speaking... My dad called her shortly after to tell her how bad he wanted to talk to me. She in tears as well, and told him what was going on.. My dad told her he would give me his extra car. He's signing the title over to me tomorrow. He's giving me his Ford Explorer. Just like that, without blinking an eye.... And I really don't know what to think of it all.. I told him he didn't have to do that, I know I probably don't deserve it. He told me that he would always love me, and always be there for me in any way he could.. I bawled some more.

Then I got off the phone with him. I had a voice mail. I checked it. It was my "other dad". The one who raised me, who also happens to be my uncle.. (yeah, that's a whole other blog..!).. We've always had kind of a strained relationship, he just never really understood me, and is so bullheaded and stuck in his ways, that he would never try. Well over the last year, he's actually gotten to know me. Has told me he's proud of me, has actually given me compliments that I never thought I would hear from him. We've got a really good relationship going on these days.. I made him cry on his birthday because I finally was adult enough to tell him how much him being there for me meant, and how it takes so much to be a father, and he was one of the best, and how I'm who I am today because of him..Well, he got even. He made me cry today. (there was a lot of crying from me today!) He couldn't get through, because again, my phone was dead.. So he sang Happy Birthday to me on my message.. there is nothing better than hearing "happy birthday dear apey" from a man that doesn't show his feelings...EVER. I saved the message.

So I guess the point of all this rambling is that it took me really hitting rock bottom to figure out what truly is important in life. I have a roof over my head, children who love me, a wonderful boyfriend, great parents, and people who are there for me if I need them. So what I have nothing to show for the fact that I'm 26 today. I've got two beautiful children (and one on the way!) the love of a great family and man.. who could ask for anything more?

Like my favorite father in law says " I am a turnip, you can't get blood from a turnip." Let the world try to drag me down.. I've got nowhere to go but UP!!!!!!!!

The Voices Within

How do you negotiate the clamouring voices within? Get to know the different members of your inner committee by writing about each one of them (your bold self, your shy and timid self, your reflective self, your wounded self). Who exactly are these parts of yourself?


MySELF.
Me, who I am. Who is that? There are so many voices inside this head, sometimes I feel as if I'm going crazy. But then I realize, it's just that I'm in "tune" with all the women in my head. The mother, the child, the appeaser, the worrier, the self conscious, the angel, and the demon.

The mother in me. Wanting to make sure my children are well taken care of. Tucked in safely every night, with a warm meal in their belly. With manners, and no attitudes, and perfect children. Is there such a thing? I want what's best for my children, and sometimes, it's the death of my mental stability. I want them to have a perfect childhood, so much different than mine. I've tried to do my best to give them stability, physical and emotional, to grow strong as individuals, and as a family. The mother in me, puts my children before ANYTHING else, and sometimes I wonder if that's the best thing for them. I need to focus more on myself a little more, to be healthier and happier, to make them healthier and happier. Right? The mother in me, kisses the boo boos, and brushes the tangles. The mother in me, answers all those silly "why" questions, without really knowing why, but trying to make it make sense to a 6 year old... That's the mother in me.

The CHILD in me.
Is hurt. Hurting. Loved, but not healed. For so long, I thought I was doing so great at getting over my "emotional" childhood. Or as some might say "effed up childhood". Don't get me wrong. My parents, well, my mom and step dad treated me great. Most of the time. I had those moments where I didn't get a long with them, mostly as a teenager. My step dad, who was also my uncle (no, not incest..just a sticky situation).. He made sure I had what I needed. New school clothes, new sneakers for basketball, a basketball hoop, okay, so that wasn't needed, but you get the idea. He taught me how to ride a bike, and was there when I dove face first in to the pavement.. As I got older, I felt much resentment from him. I don't know why, and maybe it was me. Feeling resentment towards him.. After all, he was my father's brother, and the whole rest of the family wouldn't speak to him and my mom, so therefore, I didn't know my family. My dad gave up on me due to the tension between them all, and a step mom that urged him to "move on". I will never understand that. How do you "move on" from one of your children? How do you not call on birthdays' and Christmas? How do you NOT go to your own child's graduation? As you can see.. I've got a lot of issues in this CHILD that lives in my head.. and this is only the beginning. Things I deal with on a daily basis..that I've been trying to pretend aren't there, and that I'm healed and have moved on. I haven't, and has caused me to cause other's pain. The one who feels abandoned, with trust issues, with feeling the need to feel WANTED.. when I don't, I try to find ways to fix that, that aren't always healthy or 'good' ideas..

The child in me also yearns to stare at clouds, color on the sidewalk, and swing high amonst the trees. That part comes in handy when I feel overwhelmed by my "mom" persona that forgets to just let go and have fun and be carefree and blow my worry away with the bubbles in the wind.

THE PLEASER.
The pleaser in me.. Wants to make everybody happy at the same time. I go out of my way to make people happy, not stopping to realize, that very thing may be the cause of all my stress and worry. This voice in my head doesn't let me say "NO" when asked to do something I might necessarily not want too.

THE WORRIER.
I constantly worry about everything. Things I have no control over, things I do. Things I do. Things I've done or not done, or need to do. I am the classic-worry wart, and this part of my brain I can NEVER shut off. Thanks Grandma!

The Self Conscious..
DUH. Who doesn't have this "woman" in her head.. I need to lose weight, I need to be happy with myself, and there's always something that can be fixed.. Do I look fat in these pants? Are my teeth white enough? That voice will probably never go away.

And of course, The Angel and The Demon.

These two fight each other constantly in my head. Do this, this is the right thing. Don't do that. or "you know it's wrong, but do it anyway, live in the moment, don't think of the consequence".. Everybody has those voices.. It's which voice you choose to listen to that makes all the difference.

Those are just some of the women that live within me..

And I'm just learning how to REALLY deal with them all equally.

Selfish Nightmare

this pit in my stomach won't go away
you're in my mind and there you'll stay.
you're like a disease, coming and going, and ruining my day
i feel better, and then i remember.

it's easy for you. turn it on, turn it off.
my mind twists and turns with what if's, and why.
i can't shut it off. i can't shut you out.
you're there. everywhere.
go away. leave me alone.

you selfish, selfish nightmare.

The Silence.

I sit here by myself, realizing, I'm not alone, but I am. He's gone for the night. Only one night, but it already feels like it's been an eternity. I almost forgot to lock the door, actually, even close it. I had it open for the cool summer breeze, and went about cleaning up after the kids were in bed. And then I realized it was still open. he ALWAYS closes the door. He locks it up tight, to keep the unknowns out. He locks the cars, makes sure everything is shut up tight for the night. That's not my job. That's just what he does. And I've taken it for granted. The nights we sit here, together, but doing our own thing in silence, is comfort. Knowing he is across the room playing a video game, or fixing something, or even just getting ready for work. It's comfortable. And I'm UNCOMFORTABLE without him here with me tonight. I'm lonely... I didn't realize how much he completes me, even after him only being gone for 12 hours. I am here all day everyday with the kids by myself, but he comes home, and he comforts me in my sleep. If I fall asleep on the couch, he'll crash on the floor next to me, just to be there.. I didn't realize how much I love that. Until tonight, he's sleeping on a mountain top without me, and I'm here, with our family, minus daddy, left to make sure the doors are locked up tight, and everybody is safe. It's wierd. The silence of silence. I've got to remember to tell him just how much I love him. I need him, and he completes me. I am not whole without him by my side. For an hour, for a day.. for any time he is away. It's strange how the silence makes you think of things you sometimes forget or take for granted. This silence tonight is killing me. I can only imagine of him, laying on a mountain top, listening to the breeze, and the calming silence of nature, wishing I was there with him. That is what will get me through....The silence..