Unexpected

This is an old post..brought back for many reasons...


Have you ever seen someone that you weren't expecting to see? Has it ever made you feel like you could throw up right then and there? This happened to me yesterday, and I was not at all prepared. I saw someone who I haven't seen in years. Someone who was everything to me. Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Someone who meant everything to me, and I to him. But possibly, never could have meant anything to him at all. This person held my heart on a string, and destroyed all trust I ever had in anyone close to me. Someone I was not prepared to see.Someone who for more than 10 years, was my best friend. Someone who with just a look can go right to your gut. And this is what happened. It's crazy how a trip to the grocery store can alter your whole day, and possibly, the rest of your existence. This person, was my ex-husband. And for those of you close enough to me, you probably already knew that. And I was not prepared. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. But he's home for his brother's graduation. And I should've expected to run into him in this small town. But I didn't think it would be like that. He walked into the store while I was in the checkout, and just gave me a look that said everything. And all the pain and suffering I've been through came rushing through me like a 10 ton truck. I was not prepared for the feelings I had. I felt like I was going to lose it right there. And I was fine, until I got home. And then I lost it, in my loved ones arms. And he knew I was not all right. And it threw him for a loop, until I explained that those feelings were not of love, or lust, or even like. It was hurt, and pain. Pain that I thought I had dealt with. That apparently, I had made alright in my head, but not in my heart. See, me, who always counsels everyone else, thought that she could counsel herself. Make the hurt go away, and I thought I had done just that. But out of sight, out of mind, is more true than I ever imagined. And I admitted that I need to seek counseling to get over this. And my SOther, agreed, and admitted that he has his own demons that he needs to deal with as well. And he told me that if we are going to enter into a marriage, we both need to be "fixed" and stable enough that our marriage will survive through it all. We've both had a previous marriage. And I agreed. And it's something I am going to start next week. See, about 4 years ago, I caught this man in bed with my little sister, who was 16 at the time, on Thanksgiving Day. (Gives you a whole lot to be thankful for!) Someone who I trusted more than anything, betrayed me with someone so close to me, that I really haven't trusted since. And I sought counseling for a while, and I thought I was okay. Apparently, I'm not. I never thought I would have these kind of feelings run through me. I was not prepared. And I just sobbed and sobbed, while Joshua held me and told me everything would be okay. It's so nice to have not only a lover and a partner, but also a best friend. Someone who is stuck in a very hard place to deal with those kind of emotions running through me, but also understands where they come from. And is there for me, instead of running away because I had these emotions. I was not okay yesterday, I was a mess, and today it's better, but the tears are still there. I was not prepared for this emotional rollercoaster to run away with me on it. But I will get through this. Admitting, that I who is always "fixing" everyone else, need to fix myself. And today, is a new beginning. By admitting that I still harbor this pain inside, is the first step. I am going to get through this a bigger and stronger person. And I believe that by having this happen to me, is just what I needed to make me seek the help that I need. I need to get it out, and I need to talk about it, instead of holding it all inside. I need to learn to forgive...and forget. And this is another journey that I will begin, that will have a happy ever after. And it will make me a better person..and a healthier person. And a happier person, and I can begin the journey of the rest of my life with the one I love so dearly, as a clear and level headed individual, who won't break down in the grocery store! I will overcome!~