The Voices Within

How do you negotiate the clamouring voices within? Get to know the different members of your inner committee by writing about each one of them (your bold self, your shy and timid self, your reflective self, your wounded self). Who exactly are these parts of yourself?


MySELF.
Me, who I am. Who is that? There are so many voices inside this head, sometimes I feel as if I'm going crazy. But then I realize, it's just that I'm in "tune" with all the women in my head. The mother, the child, the appeaser, the worrier, the self conscious, the angel, and the demon.

The mother in me. Wanting to make sure my children are well taken care of. Tucked in safely every night, with a warm meal in their belly. With manners, and no attitudes, and perfect children. Is there such a thing? I want what's best for my children, and sometimes, it's the death of my mental stability. I want them to have a perfect childhood, so much different than mine. I've tried to do my best to give them stability, physical and emotional, to grow strong as individuals, and as a family. The mother in me, puts my children before ANYTHING else, and sometimes I wonder if that's the best thing for them. I need to focus more on myself a little more, to be healthier and happier, to make them healthier and happier. Right? The mother in me, kisses the boo boos, and brushes the tangles. The mother in me, answers all those silly "why" questions, without really knowing why, but trying to make it make sense to a 6 year old... That's the mother in me.

The CHILD in me.
Is hurt. Hurting. Loved, but not healed. For so long, I thought I was doing so great at getting over my "emotional" childhood. Or as some might say "effed up childhood". Don't get me wrong. My parents, well, my mom and step dad treated me great. Most of the time. I had those moments where I didn't get a long with them, mostly as a teenager. My step dad, who was also my uncle (no, not incest..just a sticky situation).. He made sure I had what I needed. New school clothes, new sneakers for basketball, a basketball hoop, okay, so that wasn't needed, but you get the idea. He taught me how to ride a bike, and was there when I dove face first in to the pavement.. As I got older, I felt much resentment from him. I don't know why, and maybe it was me. Feeling resentment towards him.. After all, he was my father's brother, and the whole rest of the family wouldn't speak to him and my mom, so therefore, I didn't know my family. My dad gave up on me due to the tension between them all, and a step mom that urged him to "move on". I will never understand that. How do you "move on" from one of your children? How do you not call on birthdays' and Christmas? How do you NOT go to your own child's graduation? As you can see.. I've got a lot of issues in this CHILD that lives in my head.. and this is only the beginning. Things I deal with on a daily basis..that I've been trying to pretend aren't there, and that I'm healed and have moved on. I haven't, and has caused me to cause other's pain. The one who feels abandoned, with trust issues, with feeling the need to feel WANTED.. when I don't, I try to find ways to fix that, that aren't always healthy or 'good' ideas..

The child in me also yearns to stare at clouds, color on the sidewalk, and swing high amonst the trees. That part comes in handy when I feel overwhelmed by my "mom" persona that forgets to just let go and have fun and be carefree and blow my worry away with the bubbles in the wind.

THE PLEASER.
The pleaser in me.. Wants to make everybody happy at the same time. I go out of my way to make people happy, not stopping to realize, that very thing may be the cause of all my stress and worry. This voice in my head doesn't let me say "NO" when asked to do something I might necessarily not want too.

THE WORRIER.
I constantly worry about everything. Things I have no control over, things I do. Things I do. Things I've done or not done, or need to do. I am the classic-worry wart, and this part of my brain I can NEVER shut off. Thanks Grandma!

The Self Conscious..
DUH. Who doesn't have this "woman" in her head.. I need to lose weight, I need to be happy with myself, and there's always something that can be fixed.. Do I look fat in these pants? Are my teeth white enough? That voice will probably never go away.

And of course, The Angel and The Demon.

These two fight each other constantly in my head. Do this, this is the right thing. Don't do that. or "you know it's wrong, but do it anyway, live in the moment, don't think of the consequence".. Everybody has those voices.. It's which voice you choose to listen to that makes all the difference.

Those are just some of the women that live within me..

And I'm just learning how to REALLY deal with them all equally.