Blood from a turnip

Well, today was my birthday. A day for reflection, a day of dreaming, a day of hope. For me, it was a day of so much....emotion. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been on this ride a few times in my life, but this time, I've flown right off the track.

So much has happened, so much has changed, and there aren't enough words to describe how I feel. For the longest time, I didn't think I had an "addictive" personality. In some ways, I still feel that way. I've never been an alcoholic, I've never been a druggie, I've always been able to indulge in such things at my will and stop when I wanted too. I quit smoking 4 times, that says something right? LOL.. This time for good, and it's been over 4 months now. Of course, I never really was a "smoker". I'm a social addict. I would smoke cigs when I drank with friends, or at work when I needed a break. I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, (my family always thought so). Sure I've done my share of things, who hasn't? But today I had a very huge awakening. Something in me that all clicked and made sense. And I've always known it, just didn't ever admit it to myself. But tonight I said it out loud...it all became real.

Now, I said I've never been an addict, I guess, just not the websters dictionary version of an addict. At least not in the way I would categorize it. But I realized, I was doing things to make myself numb. TO forget, to forgive, to just not think about stuff... And I realized today, that I am in the position I'm in because of marijuana. I haven't used in months in fact, since September I haven't touched the stuff, and have no intention too. I quit long before I got pregnant because I wanted too. I didn't go to treatment, I didn't get counseling, I just quit. I had a life changing experience because I had been using, and it changed my whole life...and I'm still feeling the shockwaves of it. I lost out on a really good job because of it. I went looking for other jobs, and found myself working for a cocky, egotistical maniac that I went to school with, because I needed a job. Then I lost the only thing that I thought had kept me strong for so long...but the truth is, I pushed it away.

I would smoke to numb my thoughts, to hide my anger, my frustration, my irritation, my childhood secrets, my insane family..I made myself numb. And in a sense, I was an addict, I just didn't know it. In turn of losing so much, I've gained a lot because of it. I didn't lose Josh thank GOD, he's stood by me this whole time, and admitted too, that he has "stuff" he has to fix, things we have to fix together, things we have to fix alone...

Anyway, I lost my job that I had moved up here for, in turn we lived in a trailer for a month, with loving in laws trying to keep my head sane letting me know that everything would be okay. I went insane living in a trailer, after knowing that I was the reason we were there, I just ran away. Tried to run away from it all.. Turns out, it didn't work. It all caught up to me.

A month later, I found out I was pregnant, again for the 3rd time, this is not something I wanted, something I planned. In fact, I even made an appt to not keep the baby. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the first time I stepped up and said "I made my bed, I need to lie in it" (no pun intended).. I quit my job at the advice of Josh seeing me so extremely stressed out dealing with the pregnancy, trying to get the kids in daycare, him to work, and then dealing with the shenanigans at work and not getting home till sometimes 11 at night... He insisted I quit and stay home with the girls. He would take care of me, he would take care of us...and he has and is doing a great job of trying to get us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves in too.. Again, I'm off track...

Me not working has definitely put a damper on our financial situation, especially after the job I had in Portland making around 40,000 a year.. Here we are again, living paycheck to paycheck, not paying some of our bills to pay other ones...you know the drill.

In November, I hit a pedestrian in a WalMart parking lot..yep that's right, me. It was possibly the worst night of my life, or at least one of them. I've never felt so horrible, so low, so HELPLESS. I didn't get a ticket, or charged with any lawbreaking.. (apparently you can run over people at WalMart because it's private property?) I went to the hospital to make sure she was alright..The lady I hit had a prostetic leg already, and needed attention for it..and to boot, I didn't have insurance. My insurance lapsed 1 week prior.. So three days ago, I get a letter in the mail, I'm being sued......................

My van got repossessed today. On my birthday. What a F$#@!*$ drag! I bawled, cussed, cried some more, and then kicked myself, mentally of course. These last few months have been hectic, more so than any I can remember. My faith has definitely been tested....

My real father and I (who I've always had a strained relationship with because of my step mom) had a disagreement in September as well. I hadn't talked to him since. Now I've gone years at a time without talking to him, but this time it was different. I have children now, who love their Papa. Children that I don't want to have miss out the way I did... My aunt convinced me that I needed to bury the hatchet and talk to him. Some things just aren't worth fighting over.. He called today to tell me Happy Birthday... I was waiting for it. I was going to be so mad if he didn't call, because there have been so many that he hasn't.. But he did. As my car was being towed away...... I couldn't answer the phone...it was dead. I had called my mother in law bawling to tell her we weren't going to make it for my birthday dinner because my van was being towed out of the driveway as we were speaking... My dad called her shortly after to tell her how bad he wanted to talk to me. She in tears as well, and told him what was going on.. My dad told her he would give me his extra car. He's signing the title over to me tomorrow. He's giving me his Ford Explorer. Just like that, without blinking an eye.... And I really don't know what to think of it all.. I told him he didn't have to do that, I know I probably don't deserve it. He told me that he would always love me, and always be there for me in any way he could.. I bawled some more.

Then I got off the phone with him. I had a voice mail. I checked it. It was my "other dad". The one who raised me, who also happens to be my uncle.. (yeah, that's a whole other blog..!).. We've always had kind of a strained relationship, he just never really understood me, and is so bullheaded and stuck in his ways, that he would never try. Well over the last year, he's actually gotten to know me. Has told me he's proud of me, has actually given me compliments that I never thought I would hear from him. We've got a really good relationship going on these days.. I made him cry on his birthday because I finally was adult enough to tell him how much him being there for me meant, and how it takes so much to be a father, and he was one of the best, and how I'm who I am today because of him..Well, he got even. He made me cry today. (there was a lot of crying from me today!) He couldn't get through, because again, my phone was dead.. So he sang Happy Birthday to me on my message.. there is nothing better than hearing "happy birthday dear apey" from a man that doesn't show his feelings...EVER. I saved the message.

So I guess the point of all this rambling is that it took me really hitting rock bottom to figure out what truly is important in life. I have a roof over my head, children who love me, a wonderful boyfriend, great parents, and people who are there for me if I need them. So what I have nothing to show for the fact that I'm 26 today. I've got two beautiful children (and one on the way!) the love of a great family and man.. who could ask for anything more?

Like my favorite father in law says " I am a turnip, you can't get blood from a turnip." Let the world try to drag me down.. I've got nowhere to go but UP!!!!!!!!