SNOW!!!!!!!!!!

I think I'm getting sick of the snow. Not so much the snow I guess, but the cabin fever that associates itself with the snow and being stuck on a hill that is packed in ice and NO WAY OUT. I guess I could walk, but where would I walk too? The town is pretty much shut down too. I thought about walking out to catch the bus to Olytown, so I could finish my Christmas shopping, but that idea got sunk along with my good mood!



I'm getting kind of down and out because my shopping isn't done, but then I try to remind myself, that the Holidays aren't about presents, and that's what I've been trying so desperately to teach my kids this Christmas, but I'm THE ONE who wants to buy them the presents! I guess it wouldn't be so bad, if other people weren't so caught up in how much they are spending, or not spending!! We've had a great time in the snow, being snowed in, sledding down our hill in to the neighbors yard,

sipping Hot Cocoa, power outages, Monopoly games, baking cookies, taking walks, playing video games, and watching Christmas movies. So we really are making memories, but I want OUT!!

The Trees that were smoking and sparking over the power lines this morning. It took out our power.

EVEN THE PUD TRUCK GOT STUCK!

I think I'm going a little bit crazy. I've run out of things to do/play.. and then my mind starts wandering. I've been watching my oldest who is very disappointed because she missed her Fiesta at school, and now she's missed her Christmas parties with her other half of the family because of the snow and ice, and missing her dad. She's fine until she talks to him, and then she realizes she's unhappy about it. I try to remind her that she's lucky to have family around her right now, ( I KNOW, I should take my own advice).. and I tell her that I know how she feels. I remember many holidays/birthdays that I didn't get to spend with my dad. Mostly because he was selfish...which is kind of the same scenario for Ashley. I remind her how lucky she is that her dad calls her, and WANTS to spend time with her (even if it is for his own selfish reasons).. my dad didn't even bother. I remember when he didn't call, write, or even send a birthday card. So I KNOW how she feels.. but I know it still hurts. So I've been trying desperately to keep all 5 kids occupied. To keep their little minds busy..and it keeps my mind distracted for the most part.. I just don't know. I love this snow, but I HATE being trapped here. I feel like I'm in a cage, and I don't like that feeling. I don't like knowing that I can't go anywhere.. although, it is warming up, and there might be a chance that my driveway will melt long enough for me to get out.. fat chance, but it's my only Christmas Wish...

My Driveway.

Better Man...

It's weird. I always feel like I'm doing some sort of damage control inside myself. I have so many thoughts that race through my mind at any given time. I am a daydreamer, with constant reminders of the nightmares, and daydreams that have been my life. I got an email this morning, that really put a lot of things in to perspective for me. On what a "bad" person I was in the past. Not necessarily bad in the way you would think, but on not doing what was best for me, and always taking the easy way out, or not thoroughly thinking through my rash decisions, that have become my history. It's strange how as a person, or somewhat of an "adult" when I was on my own after high school, newly married with a husband on the other side of the world, doing his civic duty, I never really thought long term. I have always been the kind of person to make rash decisions, without looking forward, at what the consequences might be. I do now, more as a person, only because I became a mom, and I have more to worry about than just myself. But I still have struggled with doing what is "right". I have a tendency to look for things outside of my natural environment to fix things..instead of sticking it out and fixing them and barreling through the hard times. Especially in regard to my sexuality. I know that most people would call my problem "the daddy syndrome".. you know, you don't have a dad, or a father figure who treats you normal, so you always are looking for that love. Most of the time in all the wrong places. For me, my body had never been a sanctuary. If I was taught that as a child, I sure don't remember it. It is one of the things I go out of my way, to make sure that my girls remember and know. That THEY are important for so many reasons besides the "beauty" outside. In the last couple of years, I've been searching for that ability to be comfortable with who I am inside and out. Whether other people like me or not, has always been one of my downfalls. It's not that I go out of my way to make other people like me, but I've always been constantly worried about what others think. Until I got pregnant with Logan. It was a huge eye opener for me, when it wasn't just ME that I had to think about. It's no secret, (thanks to the small town I live in, and the wonderful world of blogging and internet) that I didn't know who Logan's dad was. (Now doesn't that sound like something you would see on Montel or Maury? Well, that's kind of what it was like, except I knew it was one of two possibilities, not like 25 or something like most of those women!) Instead of hiding it, or pretending that I was ok with that fact, I took the situation head on, and faced it with a strength I didn't have before. I never believed more in my life, that if "God brings you to it, He will bring you through it". And He did. Stronger, and more capable of being ME than ever before. I had finally faced my inner demons, and wasn't worried about what other people thought. The only thing I was worried about, was having a healthy, happy baby boy. And I did! And he's been nothing but a blessing to me, and to our family. He's brought Josh and I closer than ever before..because going through that alone, would have been tough, but I didn't have too. Josh was by my side, every step of the way and then some. ..
Anyway, it's just eye opening to look back on some of the crazy, STUPID, inconsiderate things I have done in my life. Never really thinking about who I might be hurting, just that I was. I needed to numb myself, and by removing myself mentally from the situation, I was able to pull a lot of it off without ever looking back. Except I did. I looked back. I look back everyday, and think, "what if"? What if, I had never become a mom? Would I still be in self destructo mode? (and it's not that I'm 100% free of this issue, I just am more aware of it and cautious now).. What if I had thought about who I was hurting, instead of being selfish, and wanting ME to be happy? What if I hadn't ruined my marriage to my high school sweetheart? What if I had put myself in someone else's shoes, instead of walking 5 miles in my self proclaimed misery? I know that everything happens for a reason, and obviously, if I hadn't made the decisions I had, I wouldn't be where I am today, and mostly by that, I mean I wouldn't have the children I do. And they are what is most important in my life. Obviously we all know that everything happens for a reason, but it would be so great, if at that time, we knew what that reason was. I have tried, and am still trying to be a better person, to set a good example for those little minions I call my offspring. Because I want more for them. I don't want them to experience the heartbreak I have, the disappointment, the resentment, the hostility that I held inside for so long. Sometimes I think, that I've experienced all this for no good reason at all, but I know deep down, that just by being vocal about it all, that somebody out there will understand too, and maybe just maybe, that's why.
And don't get me wrong, I'm not saying my life has been horrible at all, by any means. I am really lucky to have lived the life I have. Sometimes I wish it just wasn't so hard, and that I could go back and erase the hurt I have caused. To go back and make it right. But I can't. So I won't. I just go on, and pay it forward. I want to be a better person today than I was yesterday, and even better the next. And by confronting my demons, that's the first step, isn't it? Well, maybe the second, after denial of course!!

(and now that I have went back and read that, it doesn't all necessarily make sense to me, but oh well, isn't that what Blogging is all about? To get it OUT there?)

Headache Holidays

I did it. I survived another Turkey Day. Turkey day for me, most years turns out to be some drastic, melodramatic day, this year it was bearable.

I always dread this time of year. I start to think about my marriage that failed, Thanksgiving Night for good of 2000.. It was pretty much already in the toilet at that point, but some days, just get marked as "the one", or "the last time". That was my worst Thanksgiving ever. I caught my husband in bed, doing only God knows what in my own house, while I tried to sleep in the next room waiting for him to come to bed. Now, another thing that only God knows too (and you if you've been one of the privileged to know all or most of my secrets) that I was not innocent in my marriage either. But to find what I did, horrified my existence. Broke trust I had, and really have never gotten back. But that being said, I've moved on.

And 2 Turkey Day's ago, I ran over a lady in a parking lot. Now pick that chin back up, I didn't REALLY run her over. It was a last minute stop at WalMart, (the devil chain store).. I needed to get Josh some rain gear, because the weather had been really crappy. Anyway, this lady, I sware on all of me, had to have jumped out in front of me.. If you've ever been to WalMart, and odds are there's a pretty good chance you have been, you've seen those crazy pedestrians. Heck, I've been one of those crazy pedestrians. I sware, they think they own the road... Well, long story short, I hit one of them, who also already happened to have a prostetic leg..

Now I know you want to hit me with all the jokes you can, but I'm pretty sure I've already heard them all! (you couldn't have hit a pedestrian who wasn't already disabled?, you had to take out a slow one?) things like that, never get old. But she wasn't slow, in fact, I'm pretty sure I was the victim of a scam, but the lady had the wrong target. She recently has stated that she wants 50,000 from me to cover the cost of damages.. keep in mind, that I was not cited with a traffic violation, nor hauled to jail, nor is it even on my driving record. (did you know that WalMart parking lots are considered private property?).... I don't think she realized that even white trash with no money can drive nice vehicles... ;-)


Anyway, that was another Turkey Day mishap.. Just to name a few. The major ones of late anyway.. I just dread it. Having split families never makes holidays fun. It's always a headache. And that time of the year as I like to call them the Headache Holidays, are officially here. But I survived the first one.

I let go of the issues, the pain, the feelings of resentment, and also of remorse. I've been doing a lot of self healing lately.. (I have to, the insurance won't pay for it, lol) I've taken responsibility for my actions, I've become aware of my weaknesses, and also my strengths in the same respect. I will not NOT enjoy my existance, because others are negative assholes..

I've let go. and moved on. I remembered to remind myself that I am in control of my feelings and emotions. I've learned that the pain I've felt has all been real, and to talk about it so freely, means that I have let it go, I don't let it control me. At least I'm trying.

I've realized that I have a love that has withstood so many trials and tribulations. And for that I am thankful. For my love, and my family, and the love of my family, is all I need.. even if it is a bit dysfunctional at times. I just have to remember to practice my deep breathing and I will make it through the Headache Holidays...

10 Rules for Being Human

Ten Rules for Being Human

by Cherie Carter-Scott

1. You will receive a body. You may like it or hate it, but it's yours to keep for the entire period.
2. You will learn lessons. You are enrolled in a full-time informal school called, "life."
3. There are no mistakes, only lessons. Growth is a process of trial, error, and experimentation. The "failed" experiments are as much a part of the process as the experiments that ultimately "work."
4. Lessons are repeated until they are learned. A lesson will be presented to you in various forms until you have learned it. When you have learned it, you can go on to the next lesson.
5. Learning lessons does not end. There's no part of life that doesn't contain its lessons. If you're alive, that means there are still lessons to be learned.
6. "There" is no better a place than "here." When your "there" has become a "here", you will simply obtain another "there" that will again look better than "here."
7. Other people are merely mirrors of you. You cannot love or hate something about another person unless it reflects to you something you love or hate about yourself.
8. What you make of your life is up to you. You have all the tools and resources you need. What you do with them is up to you. The choice is yours.
9. Your answers lie within you. The answers to life's questions lie within you. All you need to do is look, listen, and trust.
10. You will forget all this.

I chose to live, not just exist.

People are afraid of themselves, of their own reality; their feelings most of all. People talk about how great love is, but that's bullshit. Love hurts. Feelings are disturbing. People are taught that pain is evil and dangerous. How can they deal with love if they're afraid to feel? Pain is meant to wake us up. People try to hide their pain. But they're wrong. Pain is something to carry, like a radio. You feel your strength in the experience of pain. It's all in how you carry it. That's what matters. Pain is a feeling. Your feelings are a part of you. Your own reality. If you feel ashamed of them, and hide them, you're letting society destroy your reality. You should stand up for your right to feel your pain."

Jim Morrison

6 YEARS!

When love is not madness, it is not love. ~Pedro Calderon de la Barca

In the last week, I've had so much time to reflect. I've focused on my relationship, and how I almost let it slip away. Josh and I have been together for 6 years tomorrow! It's crazy, how time has flown by. We've made so many memories. We've laughed, and cried, and thrown things, and yelled, and every other emotion, we've experienced together. We've been through a lot. It's not easy to be in a relationship, it's not easy to be a parent, it's not easy to be a blended family. Yet somehow, we've managed to pull it off, and do it together. We've had some hard times. Financially and emotionally. But as I layed in bed last night thinking about tomorrow and the "anniversary" that it is, I really thought about how lucky I am. There are so many people out there that have been 'against' us. People who told him he'd be better off without me, people who've told me the same. We've got ex's to deal with, that we'll ALWAYS have to deal with, and that is no easy feat either. But we do it. And we LOVE to do it together. He makes me a better person. I am the yin to his yang, or the other way around. I'm not sure exactly, but I do know that we complete each other, more so than any one else has ever made me think about.

I tried to live without him, and I couldn't. I thought I'd "be better off"..but I'm not. I know that he's never felt that way, but I have a tendency (moreso than him) to shrink in to my manic state of depression, and be self destructive. He stands by my side, even when I've done the most self destructive of things. Even if it was geared towards him, or has affected him. He is there. And there's no doubt in my mind that he always will be.

He made a comment to me on the way home yesterday, and it struck deep. We were talking about the difference of small schools vs. big schools. And our exact conversation was about Elma vs. Oakville. We were following the bus home, more like, got stuck behind it. It was an Elma bus. I made the comment, well, if it comes all the way out here, my kids should have been able to go to Elma. I really wanted Ashley to go to kindergarten in Elma. But we live on the wrong side of the tracks for that! Josh said, "well, you don't want her to go there anyway. She's fine where she's at. Small schools are better anyway. I went to a small school, and I think I turned out great".. I chuckled, and said "well I went to a big one, and... " And I stopped at that sentence. And he grinned. And I said " go ahead say it, say how I turned out!" And he said, "you're turning out great with my help. by the time I'm done with you, you'll be the person you always wanted to be and are capable of being"... He was being sarcastic, but.....

It's so true. I'm not sure the small school vs. big school had anything to do with it. But then again it might have. It could also have to do with the dynamics of our family lives. His parents are STILL married. Mine, divorced, remarried, and divorced, remarried again. I'm sure MANY factors have to do with this.. but anyway... He is MUCH more confident than me. He has no hard time, saying how he feels. He is honest with himself. He had a closer circle of friends than me. And I think those are attributes of a kid that grew up in a small town where everybody knew everybody. In my town, everybody knew everybody, but only because they were a friend of a friend. It isn't MUCH bigger, but big enough to make a huge difference. He graduated with like 20 kids. I graduated with like 200.

Anyway, back to the point. His comment struck home. He has helped me become the person I want to be. He's helping me be more sure of myself. To tell people how I really feel. Not let them walk all over me. He's helped me to learn what being a "true friend" is. He's helped me discover my passions (and not just the sexual one, you perverts).. He makes me want to be a better person. To make him happy. To make MYSELF happy. He makes me a better parent. We are the perfect balance. Even when I was at my lowest point, he turned to me one night and said " I know why you did what you did, and I still love you".. I will never forget that night for as long as I live, or the dementia strikes, whichever comes first...

He is an amazing man. He provides for our family. He does what he can to get us through this crazy, tragic, magic, life. He is an AWESOME father to Ashley. He treats her as if she is his own. She might as well be!! He is the rock. He is MY ROCK. And I don't know how I ever lived without him by my side. It's been a crazy ride. Sure there are some things I'd like to change, or go back and "fix". But the truth is, we wouldn't be as strong as we are, if we hadn't gone through these things together.

so 6 years, and 2 kids later... I finally know where I'm supposed to be. And that's next to him for the rest of my life.

I love you Joshy. I don't tell you enough. But here you have it writing, for the whole wide web to see...

I am me, and you are you, and TOGETHER we are US!

There's no one, I would have rather smoked out the window at 4 am with.....

Happy 6 years!!!

Lattins!

Make a Smilebox photobook

Ashley Elaine Cox Ritter Terry

My child. She turned 7 last week. I don't even know where the time went. But everyday, she reminds me that she is the greatest thing to ever happen to me. Getting pregnant with her changed my life in every way possible. It wasn't the greatest thing at the time, I was young, well 20, doesn't seem so young because I know so many younger ones, but to me it was. I didn't want children until I was out of college, independent, and married. I kind of do everything backwards, but that's just me. I got married, divorced, pregnant, then college. But anyway, back to the topic at hand. She has made me a better person, and given me the desire to be a GREAT example to her. I don't want her to do things the way I did, however, I'll not try to stop her, because I know how that turns out. I want to be her friend, I want her to trust me, and to know that she can come to me with ANY issue. She is so charismatic, loving, funny, talented, she will be a superstar someday. Not that she already isn't. But the girl has some talent, that will take her places, if we focus her energy positively. Never in a million years, would I have thought, that I would have a child that is so smart, witty, in tune with EVERYTHING around her, wise beyond her years, (and ears).. She catches me off guard more often than not, and definitely keeps me on my toes.

I was going through her backpack the other day, and took out her homework folder. Filing through the pages, looking at what she's learning, I happen to notice the name at the top of the page. It took up the whole length of the page.

ASHLEY ELAINE COX RITTER TERRY.

That's what it said.

For a while now, she's been telling me that's her name. Or when anyone asks her name, she gives them that speel. I walked across the kitchen and showed it to Josh. He just smiled. When you ask her why she says that's her name, she says , "Well my dad is a Cox, You are a Ritter, and Josh is a Terry. So I'm all 3!" It's quite hilarious, because she ends it with her cheesiest smile yet. I have tried to explain to her, that just because those are our last names, doesn't make it hers. She says " I know, but that's what I want it to be." I guess there's no stopping her. Once her minds made up, that's how she rolls! She says that once Josh and I get married, she'll take out the Ritter part, cause then I'll be a Terry and she won't need the Ritter. ;-)

So hurry up Josh, there's enough Ritter's in this world!!

Every survival kit should include a sense of humor. ~Author Unknown

From the Shallow End

I don't mean to be superficial, but let's face it, I am. And there's nothing like a presidential debate to remind me how deeply superficial. It's not that I don't hear what the candidates are saying, but I always begin by noticing what they're wearing, and whose shirt looks better, and of course, whose tie. I spent a great deal of the first debate upset about the way Obama's shirt fit too loosely around his neck, and I had quite a lot of fantasies about how to help him in this area. If I were married to him I assure you he never would have left the house in that shirt.
By the time tonight's debate was minutes old, I had decided that Obama had won. His shirt looked great, and his suit fit beautifully. This seemed important. He sat down in a chair that was basically unsittable and he looked fantastic. He loped around the stage, holding the microphone as if he'd been born with a silver one in his hand. Compare that to McCain: his jacket fit oddly and his way-too-wide tie was poking out of the bottom. He was unhealthy -- overweight and out-of-breath, almost gasping for air every five or six words. And he looked so stumpy and awkward walking around the stage that I couldn't imagine why he'd ever thought a Town Hall format would be good for him.
I feel a little guilty about all these shallow criteria, but not too guilty, because in some horrible way, these debates are really not about substance but trivia. We have been with these guys a long time, and we now know what they're going to say and how they're going to say it. McCain repeats himself way worse than Obama -- "my friends," "earmarks," etc. -- but both of them are guys we've been married to for a long time, and we know their stories. It's true I had no idea that McCain learned everything he knew from a chief petty officer, but that was about the extent of the surprises he had in store for me after all these years together, and in any case, it was clearly bullshit.
But the point I'm leading up to is that both candidates are good at what debates are now about -- not making a mistake. It's amazing that they spend ninety minutes on a stage discussing the burning issues of our time, and in the end it can boil down to a slip of the tongue, a moment that's perceived as over the line, a factual mistake that can be made into a "gotcha" moment.
McCain came close to making a mistake, and there will be a big deal made over his referring to Obama as "that one" because it was patronizing and revealing. But in the end that moment will seem like yet another misguided attempt at the sort of casual joke McCain fails to make work most of the time. If I were married to him, an unlikely scenario, we would probably have fought in the car on the way home tonight, because I told him a million times not to try to be funny, but he never listens to me.
And if I were married to Obama, another unlikely scenario but a far more attractive one, I would be driving home having a hard time not thinking about the curtains.

The Scarecrow

He wears velcro shoes,
And counts with his fingers.
He's definitely a Ginger!
When you see him you think Stranger Danger.
He talks to himself
And sometimes he answers.
Kinda funny he smells,
And when he's around, you're walking on eggshells.
Rearranging the spoons is what he does best,
Or counting the bowls to make sure ones not a miss.
Working with him can drive you insane,
Until you remember he's just like the scarecrow without a brain!



Does writing this make me the tin man without a heart?? *giggle*

In the middle

For the longest time I've waited, to be able to have a relationship with my youngest sister. For so many different reasons, it has never happened until now. My parents divorce was so nasty, that I didn't see my dad for almost 10 years, except for the most sporadic of occasions. Sometimes, I'd see him at Christmas, sometimes, I'd get a call for my birthday, stuff like that. And rarely, I'd be able to see my sister who is 10 years younger than me.
Now, with the wonder of the internet combined with the fact that she's finally 18 and can make her own decisions to see me, we've been able to keep in touch, get together, and start to do "sisterly things".. It's been great. I love getting to know her, and her getting to know my children.
In the last couple of days, my dad had been calling. Leaving messages for me to call him back. The last one it was an "emergency". So I called one night before heading to a soccer game. His emergency was "are you with me or against me?".. Now him and my step mom are divorced, and they are having custody/child support issues. I won't get in to them here, but do you see a pattern in just the little bit I've written?
They apparently go to court next week, and he has the balls to ask me if I'm with him or against him. I grew a pair, and told him, I'm not on anyone's side. I'm on MY side. I'm not getting in the middle of their issues, to make it yet another issue to not be able to have a relationship with my sister. Her and her mom are pretty close, so I'm assuming, if I was "with him".. I'd be "against them". It's crap. And I can't believe he had the gall to call me and ask me that. And to say it was an emergency!!! He said he wanted to know what he could and couldn't tell me. Like I'm going to run to the closest loudspeaker and shout to the world what he tells me.. I could care less about their issues. My only issue is that I'm getting to know my sister, and nobody is going to stop me. He didn't like what I had to say. He started yelling at me. Told me I hurt his feelings, and that he couldn't believe I wasn't "on his side."
It really bothers me, that he would even attempt to put me in this position. To make me choose. After him not being there for me for so many years, I'm supposed to put all that aside, and just be on his side? Are you kidding me?
Maybe there's a reason people start to abandon him. Maybe there's a reason he wasn't in my life. It's made me a stronger (yet somewhat emotionally issued) person. I'm able to see the whole picture instead of just the little one staring me in the face. How dare he? I just don't even know what to say.
I feel bad for him, and want to be there for him. But not if he's going to try and put me in the middle...

Unexpected

This is an old post..brought back for many reasons...


Have you ever seen someone that you weren't expecting to see? Has it ever made you feel like you could throw up right then and there? This happened to me yesterday, and I was not at all prepared. I saw someone who I haven't seen in years. Someone who was everything to me. Someone I thought I would spend the rest of my life with. Someone who meant everything to me, and I to him. But possibly, never could have meant anything to him at all. This person held my heart on a string, and destroyed all trust I ever had in anyone close to me. Someone I was not prepared to see.Someone who for more than 10 years, was my best friend. Someone who with just a look can go right to your gut. And this is what happened. It's crazy how a trip to the grocery store can alter your whole day, and possibly, the rest of your existence. This person, was my ex-husband. And for those of you close enough to me, you probably already knew that. And I was not prepared. I haven't seen him in almost 3 years. But he's home for his brother's graduation. And I should've expected to run into him in this small town. But I didn't think it would be like that. He walked into the store while I was in the checkout, and just gave me a look that said everything. And all the pain and suffering I've been through came rushing through me like a 10 ton truck. I was not prepared for the feelings I had. I felt like I was going to lose it right there. And I was fine, until I got home. And then I lost it, in my loved ones arms. And he knew I was not all right. And it threw him for a loop, until I explained that those feelings were not of love, or lust, or even like. It was hurt, and pain. Pain that I thought I had dealt with. That apparently, I had made alright in my head, but not in my heart. See, me, who always counsels everyone else, thought that she could counsel herself. Make the hurt go away, and I thought I had done just that. But out of sight, out of mind, is more true than I ever imagined. And I admitted that I need to seek counseling to get over this. And my SOther, agreed, and admitted that he has his own demons that he needs to deal with as well. And he told me that if we are going to enter into a marriage, we both need to be "fixed" and stable enough that our marriage will survive through it all. We've both had a previous marriage. And I agreed. And it's something I am going to start next week. See, about 4 years ago, I caught this man in bed with my little sister, who was 16 at the time, on Thanksgiving Day. (Gives you a whole lot to be thankful for!) Someone who I trusted more than anything, betrayed me with someone so close to me, that I really haven't trusted since. And I sought counseling for a while, and I thought I was okay. Apparently, I'm not. I never thought I would have these kind of feelings run through me. I was not prepared. And I just sobbed and sobbed, while Joshua held me and told me everything would be okay. It's so nice to have not only a lover and a partner, but also a best friend. Someone who is stuck in a very hard place to deal with those kind of emotions running through me, but also understands where they come from. And is there for me, instead of running away because I had these emotions. I was not okay yesterday, I was a mess, and today it's better, but the tears are still there. I was not prepared for this emotional rollercoaster to run away with me on it. But I will get through this. Admitting, that I who is always "fixing" everyone else, need to fix myself. And today, is a new beginning. By admitting that I still harbor this pain inside, is the first step. I am going to get through this a bigger and stronger person. And I believe that by having this happen to me, is just what I needed to make me seek the help that I need. I need to get it out, and I need to talk about it, instead of holding it all inside. I need to learn to forgive...and forget. And this is another journey that I will begin, that will have a happy ever after. And it will make me a better person..and a healthier person. And a happier person, and I can begin the journey of the rest of my life with the one I love so dearly, as a clear and level headed individual, who won't break down in the grocery store! I will overcome!~

Girl Next Door

She's lost in all the pain
Trapped somewhere going insane
She needs a sign
Some kind of reassurance that
Everything will be fine
Living in a world of tears,
She has no hopes, just fears
Her soul is scarred and shattered
She cant soar through life
Because her wings are weak and tattered
No one has ever told her that they care,
She's reaching out, but no one's there
Most days are a burden
Ans she wonders when the hurting will end
She feels so forlorn, with no one there to comprehend,
She longs for love, someone to take her away
Or just someone to live for everyday
Because she's tired of this feeling,
She's tired of emptiness while she's healing
She tries over and over again to be stronger
But every time the period of pain gets longer
Even though she tries to hold them back, Her tears keep rolling streaking her cheeks black
As she tastes them dying on her lips.
Her heart tears and rips
Her whole world is falling apart,
But her smile hides her broken heart.
Her laughter hides her feelings,
That are still true.

Who is this girl?

She could be the girl sitting next to you...

Blood from a turnip

Well, today was my birthday. A day for reflection, a day of dreaming, a day of hope. For me, it was a day of so much....emotion. These past few months have been an emotional rollercoaster. I've been on this ride a few times in my life, but this time, I've flown right off the track.

So much has happened, so much has changed, and there aren't enough words to describe how I feel. For the longest time, I didn't think I had an "addictive" personality. In some ways, I still feel that way. I've never been an alcoholic, I've never been a druggie, I've always been able to indulge in such things at my will and stop when I wanted too. I quit smoking 4 times, that says something right? LOL.. This time for good, and it's been over 4 months now. Of course, I never really was a "smoker". I'm a social addict. I would smoke cigs when I drank with friends, or at work when I needed a break. I've never had a problem with drugs or alcohol, (my family always thought so). Sure I've done my share of things, who hasn't? But today I had a very huge awakening. Something in me that all clicked and made sense. And I've always known it, just didn't ever admit it to myself. But tonight I said it out loud...it all became real.

Now, I said I've never been an addict, I guess, just not the websters dictionary version of an addict. At least not in the way I would categorize it. But I realized, I was doing things to make myself numb. TO forget, to forgive, to just not think about stuff... And I realized today, that I am in the position I'm in because of marijuana. I haven't used in months in fact, since September I haven't touched the stuff, and have no intention too. I quit long before I got pregnant because I wanted too. I didn't go to treatment, I didn't get counseling, I just quit. I had a life changing experience because I had been using, and it changed my whole life...and I'm still feeling the shockwaves of it. I lost out on a really good job because of it. I went looking for other jobs, and found myself working for a cocky, egotistical maniac that I went to school with, because I needed a job. Then I lost the only thing that I thought had kept me strong for so long...but the truth is, I pushed it away.

I would smoke to numb my thoughts, to hide my anger, my frustration, my irritation, my childhood secrets, my insane family..I made myself numb. And in a sense, I was an addict, I just didn't know it. In turn of losing so much, I've gained a lot because of it. I didn't lose Josh thank GOD, he's stood by me this whole time, and admitted too, that he has "stuff" he has to fix, things we have to fix together, things we have to fix alone...

Anyway, I lost my job that I had moved up here for, in turn we lived in a trailer for a month, with loving in laws trying to keep my head sane letting me know that everything would be okay. I went insane living in a trailer, after knowing that I was the reason we were there, I just ran away. Tried to run away from it all.. Turns out, it didn't work. It all caught up to me.

A month later, I found out I was pregnant, again for the 3rd time, this is not something I wanted, something I planned. In fact, I even made an appt to not keep the baby. I couldn't bring myself to do it. It was the first time I stepped up and said "I made my bed, I need to lie in it" (no pun intended).. I quit my job at the advice of Josh seeing me so extremely stressed out dealing with the pregnancy, trying to get the kids in daycare, him to work, and then dealing with the shenanigans at work and not getting home till sometimes 11 at night... He insisted I quit and stay home with the girls. He would take care of me, he would take care of us...and he has and is doing a great job of trying to get us out of the hole we've gotten ourselves in too.. Again, I'm off track...

Me not working has definitely put a damper on our financial situation, especially after the job I had in Portland making around 40,000 a year.. Here we are again, living paycheck to paycheck, not paying some of our bills to pay other ones...you know the drill.

In November, I hit a pedestrian in a WalMart parking lot..yep that's right, me. It was possibly the worst night of my life, or at least one of them. I've never felt so horrible, so low, so HELPLESS. I didn't get a ticket, or charged with any lawbreaking.. (apparently you can run over people at WalMart because it's private property?) I went to the hospital to make sure she was alright..The lady I hit had a prostetic leg already, and needed attention for it..and to boot, I didn't have insurance. My insurance lapsed 1 week prior.. So three days ago, I get a letter in the mail, I'm being sued......................

My van got repossessed today. On my birthday. What a F$#@!*$ drag! I bawled, cussed, cried some more, and then kicked myself, mentally of course. These last few months have been hectic, more so than any I can remember. My faith has definitely been tested....

My real father and I (who I've always had a strained relationship with because of my step mom) had a disagreement in September as well. I hadn't talked to him since. Now I've gone years at a time without talking to him, but this time it was different. I have children now, who love their Papa. Children that I don't want to have miss out the way I did... My aunt convinced me that I needed to bury the hatchet and talk to him. Some things just aren't worth fighting over.. He called today to tell me Happy Birthday... I was waiting for it. I was going to be so mad if he didn't call, because there have been so many that he hasn't.. But he did. As my car was being towed away...... I couldn't answer the phone...it was dead. I had called my mother in law bawling to tell her we weren't going to make it for my birthday dinner because my van was being towed out of the driveway as we were speaking... My dad called her shortly after to tell her how bad he wanted to talk to me. She in tears as well, and told him what was going on.. My dad told her he would give me his extra car. He's signing the title over to me tomorrow. He's giving me his Ford Explorer. Just like that, without blinking an eye.... And I really don't know what to think of it all.. I told him he didn't have to do that, I know I probably don't deserve it. He told me that he would always love me, and always be there for me in any way he could.. I bawled some more.

Then I got off the phone with him. I had a voice mail. I checked it. It was my "other dad". The one who raised me, who also happens to be my uncle.. (yeah, that's a whole other blog..!).. We've always had kind of a strained relationship, he just never really understood me, and is so bullheaded and stuck in his ways, that he would never try. Well over the last year, he's actually gotten to know me. Has told me he's proud of me, has actually given me compliments that I never thought I would hear from him. We've got a really good relationship going on these days.. I made him cry on his birthday because I finally was adult enough to tell him how much him being there for me meant, and how it takes so much to be a father, and he was one of the best, and how I'm who I am today because of him..Well, he got even. He made me cry today. (there was a lot of crying from me today!) He couldn't get through, because again, my phone was dead.. So he sang Happy Birthday to me on my message.. there is nothing better than hearing "happy birthday dear apey" from a man that doesn't show his feelings...EVER. I saved the message.

So I guess the point of all this rambling is that it took me really hitting rock bottom to figure out what truly is important in life. I have a roof over my head, children who love me, a wonderful boyfriend, great parents, and people who are there for me if I need them. So what I have nothing to show for the fact that I'm 26 today. I've got two beautiful children (and one on the way!) the love of a great family and man.. who could ask for anything more?

Like my favorite father in law says " I am a turnip, you can't get blood from a turnip." Let the world try to drag me down.. I've got nowhere to go but UP!!!!!!!!

The Voices Within

How do you negotiate the clamouring voices within? Get to know the different members of your inner committee by writing about each one of them (your bold self, your shy and timid self, your reflective self, your wounded self). Who exactly are these parts of yourself?


MySELF.
Me, who I am. Who is that? There are so many voices inside this head, sometimes I feel as if I'm going crazy. But then I realize, it's just that I'm in "tune" with all the women in my head. The mother, the child, the appeaser, the worrier, the self conscious, the angel, and the demon.

The mother in me. Wanting to make sure my children are well taken care of. Tucked in safely every night, with a warm meal in their belly. With manners, and no attitudes, and perfect children. Is there such a thing? I want what's best for my children, and sometimes, it's the death of my mental stability. I want them to have a perfect childhood, so much different than mine. I've tried to do my best to give them stability, physical and emotional, to grow strong as individuals, and as a family. The mother in me, puts my children before ANYTHING else, and sometimes I wonder if that's the best thing for them. I need to focus more on myself a little more, to be healthier and happier, to make them healthier and happier. Right? The mother in me, kisses the boo boos, and brushes the tangles. The mother in me, answers all those silly "why" questions, without really knowing why, but trying to make it make sense to a 6 year old... That's the mother in me.

The CHILD in me.
Is hurt. Hurting. Loved, but not healed. For so long, I thought I was doing so great at getting over my "emotional" childhood. Or as some might say "effed up childhood". Don't get me wrong. My parents, well, my mom and step dad treated me great. Most of the time. I had those moments where I didn't get a long with them, mostly as a teenager. My step dad, who was also my uncle (no, not incest..just a sticky situation).. He made sure I had what I needed. New school clothes, new sneakers for basketball, a basketball hoop, okay, so that wasn't needed, but you get the idea. He taught me how to ride a bike, and was there when I dove face first in to the pavement.. As I got older, I felt much resentment from him. I don't know why, and maybe it was me. Feeling resentment towards him.. After all, he was my father's brother, and the whole rest of the family wouldn't speak to him and my mom, so therefore, I didn't know my family. My dad gave up on me due to the tension between them all, and a step mom that urged him to "move on". I will never understand that. How do you "move on" from one of your children? How do you not call on birthdays' and Christmas? How do you NOT go to your own child's graduation? As you can see.. I've got a lot of issues in this CHILD that lives in my head.. and this is only the beginning. Things I deal with on a daily basis..that I've been trying to pretend aren't there, and that I'm healed and have moved on. I haven't, and has caused me to cause other's pain. The one who feels abandoned, with trust issues, with feeling the need to feel WANTED.. when I don't, I try to find ways to fix that, that aren't always healthy or 'good' ideas..

The child in me also yearns to stare at clouds, color on the sidewalk, and swing high amonst the trees. That part comes in handy when I feel overwhelmed by my "mom" persona that forgets to just let go and have fun and be carefree and blow my worry away with the bubbles in the wind.

THE PLEASER.
The pleaser in me.. Wants to make everybody happy at the same time. I go out of my way to make people happy, not stopping to realize, that very thing may be the cause of all my stress and worry. This voice in my head doesn't let me say "NO" when asked to do something I might necessarily not want too.

THE WORRIER.
I constantly worry about everything. Things I have no control over, things I do. Things I do. Things I've done or not done, or need to do. I am the classic-worry wart, and this part of my brain I can NEVER shut off. Thanks Grandma!

The Self Conscious..
DUH. Who doesn't have this "woman" in her head.. I need to lose weight, I need to be happy with myself, and there's always something that can be fixed.. Do I look fat in these pants? Are my teeth white enough? That voice will probably never go away.

And of course, The Angel and The Demon.

These two fight each other constantly in my head. Do this, this is the right thing. Don't do that. or "you know it's wrong, but do it anyway, live in the moment, don't think of the consequence".. Everybody has those voices.. It's which voice you choose to listen to that makes all the difference.

Those are just some of the women that live within me..

And I'm just learning how to REALLY deal with them all equally.

Selfish Nightmare

this pit in my stomach won't go away
you're in my mind and there you'll stay.
you're like a disease, coming and going, and ruining my day
i feel better, and then i remember.

it's easy for you. turn it on, turn it off.
my mind twists and turns with what if's, and why.
i can't shut it off. i can't shut you out.
you're there. everywhere.
go away. leave me alone.

you selfish, selfish nightmare.

The Silence.

I sit here by myself, realizing, I'm not alone, but I am. He's gone for the night. Only one night, but it already feels like it's been an eternity. I almost forgot to lock the door, actually, even close it. I had it open for the cool summer breeze, and went about cleaning up after the kids were in bed. And then I realized it was still open. he ALWAYS closes the door. He locks it up tight, to keep the unknowns out. He locks the cars, makes sure everything is shut up tight for the night. That's not my job. That's just what he does. And I've taken it for granted. The nights we sit here, together, but doing our own thing in silence, is comfort. Knowing he is across the room playing a video game, or fixing something, or even just getting ready for work. It's comfortable. And I'm UNCOMFORTABLE without him here with me tonight. I'm lonely... I didn't realize how much he completes me, even after him only being gone for 12 hours. I am here all day everyday with the kids by myself, but he comes home, and he comforts me in my sleep. If I fall asleep on the couch, he'll crash on the floor next to me, just to be there.. I didn't realize how much I love that. Until tonight, he's sleeping on a mountain top without me, and I'm here, with our family, minus daddy, left to make sure the doors are locked up tight, and everybody is safe. It's wierd. The silence of silence. I've got to remember to tell him just how much I love him. I need him, and he completes me. I am not whole without him by my side. For an hour, for a day.. for any time he is away. It's strange how the silence makes you think of things you sometimes forget or take for granted. This silence tonight is killing me. I can only imagine of him, laying on a mountain top, listening to the breeze, and the calming silence of nature, wishing I was there with him. That is what will get me through....The silence..